Well... after that whole little thing... i started crying about when she asked me if i'd not like her if she DID do things. I have been way to fucking emotional lately. So... once I got off, i got clean clothes out of the dryer, went into my bathroom, turned the water on as hot as i could stand it, turned the lights off, and sat in the near pitchblackness of my bathtub and well... just... cried some more. i thought i could do horrible things to myself... but i just dont want anyone to know i did... and i have few places i can assure they be hidden. i actually thought of drowning a couple times... but i felt so numb in movement that i couldnt do a thing. i closed my eyes once i had calmed down a bit, and pretended that i was sitting in the rain. i knew i wasnt... i knew the rain was much colder... but since i didnt enjoy it earlier... got out and went straight into my room so that nobody would see how red my cheeks were. i really really did not want to talk about why i'd been crying. i figured.. .if she did... i could pass it off as sunburn. which was partially true... actually... messed with my presents.... tried that ugly white thing on... (eek?) and then decided i needed to stay up until at least 11:55 so i watched bridget jones. just... a good movie. it doesnt make me cry. (if i'd wanted to cry i'd have watched uptown girls or finding neverland lame eh?)i was even happier though because my DVD player was working. i want to go spend my money. i need more cds goddamnit. i crave new musicness!!!! so.. around 11:41 i lit the candle that ahma had given me and lilo came in my room. at 11:55, i hugged the cat and made a... some kind of wish for happiness probably and blew the candle out. i then proceeded to cry some more. i mean... in all honesty i got to blow out 31 candles on sunday.(15 per cake plus one)but on your birthday... you have to blow another out i think... but yesterday once everyone left.... i spent themajority of the time crying. once bridget ended, i was probably asleep before 12:30... and i woke up several times between then and when i actually got up... which was around 10:30. there are few people i want to talk to today. natasha, robyn, and the people i am actually sort of forced to communicate with. i just feel like i need to be alone. i dont want school to start anymore. i want to stay home alone for as long as i possibly can.