Somewhat I suppose... Today was good and yes... quite so except for the moment of panic and anger. I got to miss first so I was happy about that. Har har. I was still fucked up from the pills and shit last night haha. Dr. Ring must be getting pretty fucking sick of me. It makes me smile... She wants me to get an xray. she does not like the way I talk about my knee. Ha ha wouldn't it be funny if the week after Tony's birthday was the last time i thurt and the last time it will? We went home and I waited for ArJay. lovely while, but it was worth the wait.... I think I'm developing an OCD with chapstick. Oh well. We picked her up and all went to the mall all happy and yeah. Talking and laughing. I miss that.. and I was so happy to have it back. But at the same time, in the back of my mind, there are plots and plans and hopes and dreams..... Ridiculous..... I just really need to have a real talk with her... alone... not at school, not at the mall. Just. Alone. My mind is spinning today. It may just be risidual but...... I don't know. Waited for mom and bashed Tony. It made me laugh when he got all pissed at us. Mom gave me money and then firstly we went to Hot Topic. ArJay found bondage pants she liked, and I found bondage pants that I liked... we realized soon after, that they were the same style. hahha. I found a corset top that I really liked. I ended up trying on 2 pairs of pants and the corset. Motivation to lose weight. The pants I bought are the same ones she did. She bought herself a belt buckle too. I would have bought the corset, if it weren't for the fact that the straps were too lose and didn't have tighteners. And... my boobs aren't big enough to fill it properly. We left and walked up the side. I sort of half followed her... bored..... I meant to go to spencers, but we ended up at the north end... so then we walked down and took the L, talking merrily about how she got a 16 on her quiz stoned off her ass today. Haha. "drug free is the way to be" she randomly said while we were in claires. Oh so totally the wrong peoples to think or say it. Took the other turn after that and I went OH SHIT I DIDNT REALIZED WE TURNED! and she said to me "are you on drugs?" technically, yes. "::Laughs:: okay, better question: Are you on any drug that inhibits your ability to function properly?" ::maniacal laughter from us both:: YES!!! so we walked up and actually went TO spencers this time... she put her belt buckle on. it is big and lovely and sexxxy. haha. se-porn-y. While we were walking through, finishing up, I dont' even remember how it started ,but I said something about the corset and how my boobs weren't big enough. (I think)She said "i like your boobs" I laughed inside and wished I had more interesting undergarments... dunno why, but i did. she got a tie and a pin for Brett that says "kiss me I'm horny" She wanted condoms... i flinched a bit. Oh well I guess... we wandered back down the L again, and I decided that it was really hot inside, so we walked out those doors and around and in the Food court doors. It was fucking hotter there, so I bought us Dr. Peppers at arctic circle and we saw Katie. She was on a date ooh la la. sat down and chatted and asked the mom where she be. All the while my mind is screaming at me to talk about me, how I feel about HER, what I want to do WITH her... but my throat just ached like it did yesterday and I laughed and smiled as always. Subtle smiles and stupid little jokes. We are more fucked up than we give ourselves credit for, but at the same time.... flirting...? Waited and then went to RS with tony to get his stupid ass camaro, and on the way back mom said to me "any change?" and I said yes, but i didn't give it to her. ArJay said "why not give it to her?" because I have other things I want. Few steps. ME: I may be desperate by monday. Her: lol, but you have your antidepressant things. In my head: yes, but they don't do what the lortab do. Me: i know. I realized, if it werent for the fact taht they'll be counted, I could make a shitload of money off them. And, they're broken. ha. we laughed and just found stupid random things funny. reminisced abit. it is nice.I like it and miss it sometimes... Rather badly. Tony couldn't lift his car, so ArJay carried it. I bought us Dr. Pepper refills and we headed out. Sat in the back with her, she checked the bags and decided which one was hers. we sat back there, talking about her hearse and out of the corner of my eye i could see her cup I would take a drink and when I put my cup down to my lap, she'd take a drink. and when she'd put her cup down to her lap, I'd take a drink.. and so on and so on. about 4 cycles probably, and I just lost it. Mom got mad because I wasn't hungry. So much smiles. It makes me happy. I needed today after last night and this morning. Dropped her off and came home. I sat in my room sort of dazed... staring at my ceiling.. thinking about this coming monday and how right now I felt high enough that I could just float away... and I'm not sure which HIGH I mean... Laid there for about 10 minutes, and then I decided I was going to put my lovely new pants on to show mom, I open the bag, and THere is a bag from spencer's and the eyeliner that she got at HT. I lost it. laughing hysterically. So I put my shoes back on and grabbed the bag and mom and I ran it to her. I hopped out of the van and started up the walk and she came out of the front door with my bag. "I opened my bag to show my mom my tie, and i reached my hand in what I thought was the spencer's bag, and I pull out the bracelet, then I look at the bag. "Claires???" OH HOLY SHIT I HAVE SARAH'S BAG." Lol. Trade me.. And I will probably have a silent weekend again, but I have more motivation to lose weight, so maybe I will ride my bike to Dad's house, or to Harmon's or something... I have to go to the hospital tomorrow... wich I don't want to do, but I'm screwed there so. Today was good. I feel a little sick though. Maybe it's the pills. Maybe it's just me. people do crazy things... when they're in love. I am fucked.... but I love her... she knows it I know it, but I am so... confused... fucked up... tired.... I don't even know what I am anymore. I just know that I love her and I want to be with her. And I haven't had this good of a time with her since probably the last time she spent the night at my house... Maybe next weekend...... :)