I don't know what is going on. I don't know what will happen...... I have ruined everything. My life... my future... the only friendship that currently matters.... But it doesn't... I said I loved her. she confused me, told me she wanted nothing more than to BE friends, and then (and yes I know she told me it was going to hurt) it felt like she just ripped my heart out. I could not stop fucking bawling. WHy do I let things get to me? Why do I feel so fucking deeply? It never matters. I cried... and mommy came home. Then dad came... he knelt next to me while I cried... he read the last little pieces of what I said to her..... and he stayed I have never been able to cry to my daddy before.... Everything hurts.... Hope is a waking dream. It was all that was making me want to stay... and now... I just wish there were some way to instantaneously fall out of love with someone. I spent almost 3 hours crying.... half of that time I had someone next tome.... but... I felt like just collapsing. I was so fucking exhausted. I had to tell dad about the "poking". he cried too... he looked me in the eyes and said "don't hurt my precious baby sarahjane. I love her and this isn't her." SHE CALLED ME SHE FUCKING JUST CALLED ME. "WHERE ARE YOU TODAY?" HOME "WHY" BECAUSE MY MOM WANTED ME TO STAY HOME. "OH. I HAD SOMETHING FOR YOU BUT... NEVERMIND." .... How can I be so angry at her for caring? I can text that person and say "if she wants to give me something, she can bring it to me can't she?" *** HE cried though... I've only ever seen him cry once before. When i calmed down enough to stop... promised tha tI would write something to him EVERYDAY... I went out and hugged mom. "do I need to take you up to UNI?" I dont know... I just don't trust myself to be alone right now. So she made me sleep on teh couch. SHe slept in the living room, watching over me, freaking out at me any time I would go to the bathroom and when I tried to go to my room to sleep because she was snoring and it sounded like a fucking train. I got maybe 4 hours of sleep. I woke up to her telling me to stay home, basically. It was ten to seven and there was no way I could have been up and ready to leave by the time I would have needed to be. I still had yesterdays hairspray in my hair... She sat down and made me promise not to do anything, and got angry when I wanted to go in my room to get some decent sleep. but i did anyway. she came in and gave me a hug and left. I broke my promise to her as soon as I heard tony shutting the door 1/2 an hour later. THen I watched emily rose and talked to Hyrum. HE loves me he says. I can't believe anyone when they say that.