yesterday would have been the 3 month mark from my last cut. i didnt make it even as long. when i read "fuck"... i got so angry and felt so hurt.... i had to do something "self destructive" and i couldn't write or bang my head on anything... and i remembered how dull and evil my razor was getting... and now i have these ugly disgusting red evil marks on my leg (told mom i fell when i went to check the mail)and on my left wrist with everything. they dint look bad unitl they scabbed. now i am afraid to let anyone see them. but i am afraid too... that if i try to cover them like i have been, people will find out anyway. and i have no excuse to wear long sleeves or anything. i hate that i did this. i hate doing it. the blood is just... so... calming to me... but when that sensation is over, i want to cry and it stings. it had been so long to me... i just... i can't believe i gave in so easily over that again. when arjay came it was fun though. she brouthg me my warped tour cds back (♥) and made me one with cradle of filth and vendetta red and bright eyes and things like that and gave me $15. we went to golden phoenix for dinner. it was good. mom gave me weird looks at my red sock on my wrist. oh well. came home and arjay and i watched degrassi/instant star... then we went out in the living room and watched most of ju-on.. then we got bored and went back in my room. we drank so much soda. arjay ate the sour cream chips and i ate oreos. we laughed at my cats... then when we were done doing that and she had finally heard "foxtrot, uniform, charlie, kilo" we watched the end of the crow. then we fell asleep. unless i was dreaming... at one point, she touched my ear or something... i dont know though. at 4 i woke up and heard little baby kitten mewing. so i crawled out of my smashed into the wall position and found the cat and took it back out to the living room and closed my door. i fell back asleep surprisingly easily. i woke up around 9:30 and went to pee and arjay woke up. so until her mom came at 11, we just sat and talked and stuff and played wiht the baby kitties. yesterday... when she had first gotten to my house, she called jordan on my phone and made him sing happy birthday to me. apparently he was going to come to sing until his dad told him he had to pack. it was funny though. paul sang too and didnt know who i was. it was cool though i really didnt think he'd do it. i wish i could see him... but then there's a reply to the fuck thing... and i feel it is hopeless. i just hate being alone sometimes. he made me feel like myself for a while. but now i am just... i dont know. i could ask him what it would take for him to be wiht me again. seemed easy enough for arjay... but then again arjay is arjay and i am not arjay. oh well. FUCK. my wrist hurts.there is an alchohol soaked purple sock on it. it stings like a motherfucker. eh.. maybe i will go to dads. afraid of him seeing though.