You pretend to be so fucking rightous. You speak of hope and vindication. I see no relevance in it. Do you think your words will help me? I sit and cry, hiding it from them, burying my face into your lies... my lies... this entire fucked up existence. You felt before. I didn't. I blamed myself for somebody dying. The burden of a death seems more than things you're not even sure of. He didn't want me bad enough to feel me up. It's not my fault you came onto him like you did. He may as well have. I feel like dying every day. The sound of your name makes my heart bleed. You don't know who I am anymore. I'm only doing what you accuse me of. I'm pushing you away just like you say I do. You are not me you DO NOT know what I am going through. You don't know what's going on inside my mind. You don't know what it's like to watch two people you love hurt you... and not care. Your father did not leave. Your mom is not inasne and explosive. You don't have a little brother that tells you he hates you and wants you to die. Did you ever hit your hand on a window, break it, and pray that somebody would die because of it? I talked to him a little bit. I don't want to do that in the middle of a reastaurant again. It was so hard to keep some things in, so hard to let some things out. It was so hard not to cry. I wanted to so bad. I just wanted to lean into him and cry my heart out... and tell him everything. She fucking got to me. HE told me not to ignore them. Not to ignore the feelings. He told me he would let me "splooge" he told me he would sit there and listen and just let me talk. He told me that if I want it, I have four free visits to a counselor. I hate that word. Not that psychiatrist is much better... but counselor... is just such a bad word. SHe asks me if I have my homework done. Do I ever have my fucking homework done? You will get what you want. You want me to get over myself, you want me better. There are two choices here: A)Kill myself B)Talk to... someone. The second choice is favorable. Why does the first seem so much easier??