well... today on the whole was okay. mom was still mad at me this morning, which made me sad... quite so.... but meh... i cried a bit in the car and ran up the steps of school with red cheeks. i fucking hate gym. kaleb WAS nice to me which helped again. i almost justleaned into him and hugged him, which i honest to god don't feel like doing much to ANYONE, let alone him... we had to eitehr run one lap or walk 2 outside during fucking gymclass... so i walked... and all the while, my head is down, i can barely breathe and i'm trying not to cry... i just felt so bad... i was/am so scared that things in my life will never be the same ever again.. it was nice to have a friend. i looked like shit all day, but what can be expected of me??? second on were well... i suppose. arjay was there so taht made it all a bit funnier... in WSH we talked about the health book and how arjay was happy that she could now text terry whenever she wanted. science is okay... don't particularly like it much. i could get out of it, i'm sure... but i'm not sure if i do really. dont know what else i'd take, and i DO want the science credits out of the way... arjay decided it would be fun if i rode the bus with her and went to her house or something. so i texted mom a really nice sadish message... walked to taco bell for lunch and got back barely on time for english. it was fun though. english is so far seeming pretty good. she will let us eat!!! yay!! hahaha. it wasnt that bad. i always hate english... so yah... but after, arjay and i went and got on the bus and she made a big fuss about me and jordan sitting together and her and matt. jordan didnt seem to pleased about it and got flipped off... i played with m y duck a bit. arjay texted me and wanted me to tell jordan that her and matt are involved. but i didnt want to... and what is weird to me, is that i havent' talked to him all fucking summer, and jordan and deja and i were in a combined convo the whole way to their stop. mostly jordan and i though... which was nice... really nice... but weird. and i realized... i almost dont want anything to happen between us again... i jsut want that friend back, i really do. i mean, i miss being able to just talk to him... just the way we were, finding funny things and all in the stupidest of conversations. and the eye contact. fuck i forgot about his eyes. his hair is long and he reminds me of steve bays in hot hot heat. goddamnit. but anyway... so i got off at arjays stop because iw as supposed to follow her... and i really wanted to just go home and maybe talk to jordan some more. and she decided she needed to follow him to torment him, which sucks... because even if i had just gone home along his route, he might have talked to me, if arjay was there i know he wouldn't have. he never talks to me when she is around. i dont know why... but he just doesn't... so all the way home she's talking about how he should come back to her house with me and her and all... and then she goes to him "you should smile. you look better when you smile. smile so you look better for sarah." it was just weird and almost annoying that she does that. i just... i just want him to be my friend again. iknow that sounds really stupid... but i do. its all i really want right now. and sure, because of everything, a small part of me will always have more than friends feeligns for him, but they need to be somewhat contained. but then... after she made his huge deal about how she needed to show jordan that they were just friends, when we got to his street, she went to his house with him, and she told me she'd get on when she got home(supposedly 20 minutes)... and she's not back yet and its been more than an hour since they left me. it jsut makes me feel bad. i mean... becasue of those feelings i have... and everything in prev entries... i just dont want to deal with it again... and i'm afraid she wont tell me the truth... just... all in all, i really just want him as a friend again. i think i'm going to take the bus with them more... talk to jordan more if i can. walking home no matter how far doesnt seem near as bad if you have someone to walk and or talk with. god... i like him still... i have to figure out how to tell him somewhat... well if he took arjay seriously he already knows... so... i dont know... we will just have to see how this works out.