why does it feel like the simplest and stupidest things bring me back to where I feel I just started from?? I'd felt so happy. And then the goddamned things had to fall. I Had to open the closet door.. I had to reach down and pick them up... I had to put my arm too close to the door, and that goddamned pushpin just HAD to dig into my skin and draw a little line that perfectly mirrors the vein. I had to beg it not to bleed. It did anyway. And I was so afraid that time that mom would see and ask me to tell her what happened. so afraid that she wouldnt believe me, so i opened the closet and stuck my hand down there where she could kind of see me and then i dropped the things again and yelled "FUCK" and I Have a feeling that because I actually tried to tell her what happened that she thinks I did it to myself. Looking at it, the long shallow red line, I was disappointed by it. Why couldn't I do things like that? I soaked it under water and rubbing alcohol. I put tripleantibiotic on it so that it would stop bleeding. it stung... it puffed up. it looked like the goddamned cat had scratched me. I tried to bandage it but it is too long. the brightness of the red line made it look like it was still bleeding. And today I was so happy to wake up and find the hoodie had been washed. now it would stay down around my wrists. I kept the bandage on until art class. It hurts today. very badly. I think the fucking pushpin infected it. I should go drown it in alcohol again. It is tight when I extend my wrist... when I try to bend it outwards. and last night, I had this semiselfinflicted wound on my wrist as I watched the movie. The movie was sad.. what they talked about, the words spoken, and the way it made me cry. And I felt like I'd fallen off the top of this mountain peak I've been standing on since the day after New Year's... And I still feel fuzzy and blurry. I've felt weak all day and it's bothering me. On the bus I stared out the window mindlessly and ArJay and Jordan sat in front of me chatting up, being the friends they are. The friendship I will never have with him agian. But I told my self not to care. I thought about making a point to pull my sleeve up and do it on the seat in front of them... But I don't want to be interrogated. I want to make him care, but I don't think it will happen. And I'm sick of people caring anyway. I hate feeling like this. I need help climbing back up this hill... It's slippery and cold and people push me down... But I'd rather be up there pretending it matters than down here wishing I could find a way to get to the top....