AT LEAST I'M NOT A FUCKING CHICKEN. AT LEAST I DON'T HIDE WHAT I SAY ABOUT YOU FROM YOU I'M NOT FUCKING TREATING YOU LIKE SHIT. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'VE TREATED ME LIKE I MEAN ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOTHING?????? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK AND WHAT I FEEL??? YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW ME. AND I'M TIRED OF BEING BEATEN INTO THE GROUND FOR BEING WHO I AM. YOU WANTED TO LEAVE WSH EARLY AND GO TO TACO BELL. I DON'T LIKE TACO BELL. I HAD NO MONEY. I DON'T LIKE CHAMBRAY, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT IN GOING? I DIDNT GIVE YOU DIRTY LOOKS SO DON'T ACCUSE ME OF IT. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I LOOKED "HATEFUL"? I THOUGHT MYSELF INTO A STUPOR. I WISHED SO BADLY ON TUESDAY NIGHT THAT I COULD DIE. I WANTED TO RUN AWAY FROM EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. I TOOK TWO PILLS AND COUGH SYRUP AND FELL ASLEEP BEFORE I EVEN KNEW WHERE I WAS. I HAD NIGHTMARES ABOUT MURDER. I KILLED MY FAMILY, I KILLED YOU. I KILLED THE ONES WHO MATTER MOST TO ME. I KILLED MYSELF. AND I WOKE UP TO SEE THAT IT DIDNT WORK. I WOKE UP NOT KNOWING WHERE I WAS. THERE. HAPPY??? BUT NO. I TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT. I WON'T EVER TALK TO YOU. IF YOU CARED LIKE YOU CLAIM TO, YOU'D FIND THE TIME TO UNDERSTAND. YOU WOULDN'T JUMP DOWN MY THROAT ACCUSING ME OF THIS AND THAT AND TELLING ME THAT I DON'T CARE. I CARE. I CARE SO UNBELEIVALBLY MUCH.. YOU WOULD NOT EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I CARE. BUT CARING LIKE THIS HURTS. I HATE HURTING YOU. BUT I HATE WHEN YOU HURT ME JUST AS MUCH. I HURT MYSELF BECAUSE I HURT YOU. i want to die. ANY TIME IN THE PAST I'VE SAID I WANT TO DIE, I CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE MEANT IT. ANY TIME IN THE PAST I'VE SAID I WANT TO GO AWAY... BULLSHIT. because i wear my shoes to bed anymore. I'm ready to run I BROUGHT THE CLIPPERS TO SCHOOL WITH ME... YOU DON'T FUCKIGN SAY THING LIKE THAT TO SOMEONE WHO USES ALL OF THEIR STRENGTH TO HOLD THEMSELVES UP AND KEEP THE TEARS BEHIND THEIR EYES. because all i want is love. all i've wanted is to lean into somoene and cry and let everything out... but i can't do that. you were the only one i could talk to. The only one there for a long time. But you're not there anymore. And i have nothing. i dont know how to fix whatever is in my head. my mind doesnt work like your mind and their minds. my mind is fucked up beyond recognition... what works for you won't work for me. you dont know who i am. you can't see in my head, and you're not me. i want to make you understand, but you talk to me like i'm stupid. like i don't know that there is something wrong iwth me... you talk to me like i don't care about YOU, like you don't care about me. I know i'm stupid. i know i'm fucked up. there's nobody i can tell. if i told my mom she'd look at me in disbelief and then she'd tell me that we'd get me help and then never would if i told my dad, he'd yell at me and scream and shake me and probably hit me. if i told eric, he'd stop me and run away if i told liz, she'd tell me that she wants to die to, and then go into some rant about how ashton broke her heart and she feels like she can't go on without him. if i told sara or jess, they'd freak out and just leave and there's nobody else. there was you. you were the only one who would understand. the only perosn who would take the fucking time to just listen and let me cry. you wouldn't yell at me for crying. but now. there's not even you. you hate me. you tell me i treat you like shit. your shit must be shallow then, because you are treated above and beyond. telling me that is treatign me like shit. like i'm stupid. like i don't matter... i want to care. i want to fix this. i want to care about how i am and how i turn out to be, but it hurts too bad to do it anymore. i fell too far. and i can't get up. maybe i don't want to get up. it seems safer on the ground where they can step on me than up where you are where you could fall again. you don't understand. i thought you were MY friend, but i guess not. because to me, a friend would take time to understand... a friend wouldn't just get angry because i am angry. saying fucking is not blowing up. i didn't write it all int texts. whatever i said to you in response to that was an oh my god i dont want to do this now kind of response. but you dont' care and obviously i need to not care too. because caring isn't going to get me anywhere. i want to go away. last time i said things like this you held me while i cried. but not this time. this time i don't matter. its about danielle and daniel and kolby and chambray or whoever. you talk to me like i'm a stranger. do you know how much that hurts? you talk to me like i have a best friend who is always there for me... like someone understands. i have nobody there. i don't trust anyone. they rip my heart out. you helped them. there are too many names to include... all i wanted was love but nobody can spare me even that. all i am is a worthless piece of shit. and i mean nothing. not anymore.