I don't know what to do... I'm so afraid. Even if...... she doesn't deserve me. She deserves so much more. SOOOOOO much better than me. I am fucking scum. All I do is hurt her. And...... even if "kyle" is her... like i've thought before, she knows nearly everything I have to say... Except the fact taht I wish I could cry to her again. I wish I could handle this better... "talk to her.." I don't know what to say. I don't know how to make chambray go away. I just... I want an easy button. I don't know how I could do this... fall in love with a friend... someone who was once my best friend... someone who I used to hate. I don't want to hate her. I don't want to think I hate her..... I don't want her to hate me. I wish he would come back. I need to talk to him for... A long time more. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm twisted between just letting go of everythign... running away... if i'm hurting her, how would running away hurt her more? If she loves me, I don't want to leave her. I don't want to hurt her. But.... just.... fuck. My mind can't handle this. I'm fucking insane. I lost it... and I'm... different. Maybe it's because I finally admitted... well... alot. I said i wouldn't ruin his birthday..... STOP IT WITH THE FUCKING BALLOON BEFORE I STRETCH IT OVER YOUR HEADS SO YOU CANT FUCKING BREATHE. I smiled. Maybe I was... TOO happy. I felt like crying. She sits there and talks to me about how wonderful her Hyrum is... I sit there... she is in my head. I want to know what can and is going to happen. I want to go to sleep... cry. The space around the hole is bruising. It hurts. It makes me happy. I wish...... well... that.... I wish I didn't have to wait so long. I wish I could know what is going on. I wish I were better. I wish I deserved her. I'm so afraid. I can't even do this with the guys I barely know. How the fuck am I supposed to do this with a girl who is... was my best friend... who I know so well... and who, for all I know, hates me. They're fucking retards. I should go take my shower now... go to sleep early. Maybe I'm only here waiting for her/him to get back on. Why am I so afraid? Am I afraid to hurt her? Or am I afraid to hurt myself? Afraid to be hurt? All I want to know is how she could... why she WOULD What could make anyone love me? How can somoen love me when I don't love me? I just... I need to figure alot of shit out. And I can't do it this fast. But... I want her. I want to fix this and know what's going to happen... if anything... I need to sleep.