so... at the moment i am particularly digusted with myself. i just don't fucking understand how any positive feelings can still be associated with that person at all. and yet, something there still cares. FUCK!!!and the most horrible part is that, thinking to myself i go "goddamnit if all this shit hadn't happened with him and arjay on thursday, mom would still be okay with him. but since it happened and i felt obligated to tell her because she gave us a ride, she hates him now. SHIIIIIIIITTTT" its like every possible chance i'd ever have with him (not like one actually really exists anymore... right?) has indirectly been blown to bits by arjay. and i seriously doubt it has been. i know its just life interacting and overlapping. but it seems so unfair sometimes. and i know its a horrible thing to say, considering what she's gone through in the last few weeks... and that judging by the fact that she hasnt been on at all today her parentals were informed by said freak crush's father... ahh. i mean, i like other guys. i know other guys. just... i dont know but something about jordan just draws me to him. oh god... i mean, i'm back to those goddamned visions in my head taht when i read a serious romantically explicit part in whatever, the people who are seen in those bodies are... well... yeah. FUCK FUCK FUCK seriously, miss Christine Daae, why can't the past just fucking DIE??? but so yes, and in a way, i think my mother is sort of half approving of him, but in a way disgusted with how much pain he's caused us all over time, but i dont know... because she goes at hollywood, plus anyone who lets their kid wear a hat indoors should be shot (and yes i know this is a combination of disgust to kelly and polite catholic upbringing where any and every hat inside of a building is shameful) and it was mainly a comment about kelly... but then later she goes "you should like ask him what movies he rented." and then she goes "you know what I should do? seriously, ME?" silence from me "I should go up to his door ask if he's there shake my head and leave." i'm so unsure of everything. oh my god. something snapped in my head throwing things into alignment but making no fucking sense at all. i'm just, well, i dont know, confused and tired. these thoughts and feelings toward jordan make me feel sleepy, and at the same time migraine causing confused... and... well... i guess slightly happy at memories i wish i could forget. but the world doesnt work like that, at least not for me. i got hit deep, and it takes time for wound like that to heal. he was really my first love i'm sure... my first real kiss too. there will always be something just... about him. and i dont know if any of that will ever be reconciliated. doubtful though it may be, sometimes, even other people see glimpses of how it was. last week as i watched instant star while i was incredibly suffocatingly bored, i realized something that came from the lips of alexz johnson herself. "it doestn matter how long you were together. you loved him." and that statement is 100% completely true, at least in my case. i know a year is a long time to still have thigns there. but i had to deal with teh aftermath of that for a long time. i never loved kaleb, or mikey. its like, you dont realize you're actually in love until it happens the first time and then it hits you like a ton of valentines conversation hearts and those little pink "i love you" imprints never fade completely. considering that he was the first i felt that way with. and, i know its really lame and all to say shit like this, but he was the first singular person in a long time to make me feel like myself. i didnt have to hide anything from him. i could just talk to him for forever. even after we were kissing, it would have been fine without it. there would have been that hormonal pull and all, but it wasnt required, it didnt seem like it to me. he was the first guy i seriously kissed, was comfortable with kissing, wanted to kiss, wanted to just be around for the security and comfort and warmth that emulated from him. and the worst thing is that sometimes i feel it all over again. my mind goes fuzzy and my knees get weak and all i want to do is cry and lean into him, have his arms wrapped around me. at points i am so totally over him i go to myself, now.... what's my associaton with him...? and there are times like this, where i'm so close to the one year mark of everything in my little hell or... whatever it is now... i'm not that outgoing. i cant get guys easily. i know its been claimed a million times that he lied. but it was just as often that i was told i mattered. in all honesty, i think i'm afraid to want or need him. i think he's afraid to need someone. i think that because of his mom he has... some issue with it... but i also think he needs to be needed. and i cant let anyone know that i need them. not even my parents on nights where i just lay in my bed and cry. my brain is so sick and demented, is it not??? it hurts so bad to think things like this. i feel wrong and like i've betrayed people. i know i have full right ot hate him. we all do. but i cant hate him. i dont know how to get rid of the feelings i carry with me each day. i dont know what i can do to make them go away or make them be realized. so for now i just type it all out in one big fucking long ass entry on my online journal where for all i know he reads what i have to say.... and none of it ever makes sense. it is just this tsunami of thoughts that rusho out of my mind through my fingers and become clear words in front of my eyes. after all thats been said and done, the fact that i can even smile at him and say "hello jordan" has got to tell you something. FUCK. I hate ranting like that.