last night as i sat writing, i was panicked. i was naseous and exhausted. i guess i still am... woke up and went tos chool. i finished the shit i had to do for doutre and did my test and all that jazz. rewrote her her note.... gave cassie her sunglasses..... sob. gave arjay her note when she came in... fuller lectured again. he is sexist and it kind of bothers me... we took notes. she wrote me back... telling me that she didn't know wha ti could do eitehr... considnering the fact that"i wont talk at school." i told her at this point i didnt care, that i'd talk toher, but the question is when/where.. we wrote 3 full pieces of paper of notes... i only have one. she has the otehr, and hte last, after it was full... she read it and drooled on it and then threw it away.... i dont know what that means but..... i didnt say you were a member. if it's pointless why do you want to? no comprehende. because i hate bing like this with you. It hasa point. i just don't know what to do. why do you hate it? beasue you are/were my best friend... i don't completely know... for a long time you were like my best friend. i know it sounds dumb but..... i dont know. why was i your best friend? becasue you listneed and you were there and you didn't judge me... youwere the only person i coudl really talk to... or the only person you watned to talk to/listen? only person i trusted enough or was comfortable enough to. ok. but now you talk to your mom. so why am i important? i dont' talk to my mom. all i tolder hwas that "i think i need to talk to someone." i think she's afraid fo me... obviously you talk to her if she is/was mad @ me. i told her you got angry at me... and about how something ou supposedly did but i know you didnt now. she go tmad about that. ok but of course it's a circle. so. a circle?... so...? (people something but its crossed out)i dont know i'm confused but i dont talk to her. anyway.. not about... anyting i talked to you about. i dont know. ok... dont know what what you're talkinga bout. write cristo del enferno on your table. ok. i'm just staying that lal i talk to my mom about is small pieces of cufrent events. i wrote it. good for writing. but you can still talk to your madre now. so why am i important? this is like... an impossible thougth/explanation for me. you were my friend... and its like... i dont know... brain will not work. well i don't see why i am of importance in your idea. ... and we went on in the next piece of paper... its like she knew i had it inthere to say to her.... she asked me questions until i had no choice but to tell her. she weaseled it out ofme.. and then confused the hell out of me. "i dont know what to say because i don't even know what kind of love you're talking about..." ... in "oh i see" ... yeah... stupid i know. "love is not stupid." i dont even remember half of what i said to her. i wish i hadn't. i feel so fucking empty.... she iddn't do anything really. she just asked me a million questions. and it kills inside..... it really hurts.... and i don't know why. she asked me why i didn't try to fix it sooner... i told her that i was afraid of what i'd say. so i have 2 days for this... i don't know what is going to happen.... i'm terrified. she smiles and looks at me... she kept writing back.... askign questions... being friendly... but i am so scared. because now i feel like there is absolutely NO chance of us being friends again. i told her i always seem to fuck everything up... and that if what i had to say was accepted/returned than i was afraid i'd fuck it up or hurt her... and i was confusd and afraid. i have a miillion thoughts in my head... but righ tnow i just really want to go sleep.. lie down at least. i feel sick. and "kyle" is not here to talk to. and gee... she has work tonight..... i feel...... i don't even fucking know anymore. it still won't bleed the way i want it to. i want to sleep. i want her. i can't fuckign do this...... "he" tells me she was in love with met oo... and i have this shoved down my fucking throat..... why do i lvoe her? why cant i jsut not fucking feel? i can't make her answer me. i cant make her tell me the truth. i cant make her re-love me... i wish i could. i feel like fucking crying.. and sleeping... this makes life hell...... and i'm afraid to be alone for forever.