I hate red days now. There is no uppityness about them. It was rainy today. I wish I could see Aleks. Maybe I will call him in a while. maybe fourish. I don't know. Just... today... I feel so horribly lonely. Perhaps its because of the wonderful company I've had since friday, maybe not. Just on Friday, I had Liz and Aleks and well I guess, Brett. Ahma and Tim count too I suppose. Saturday, it was all about Aleks. At his house, with him, by him, on him, underhim. In his room... Sigh. Liz and Brett were too busy making out to really be considred company. I want to be alone with him. I don't know why, but I do. Saturday evening and Sunday I had dad and Eric and Doug for part of the day. Today... I had nobody just around the whole time that cared. I don't know if he cares. I hate being as pessimistic as I am. I ruin my good mood. I managed a smile all the way home on the bus listening to Bloodhound gang though. So I'm pleased with that. And Now Liz is here, so I can talk to her and be happy. EDIT: ... or not I was able to write... a little bit today in Astronomy. i'm fully aware it sucks, but still. It's been so long I'm sorry if it's wrong Happiness has been so hard to find And suddenly its staring me in the face I'm trying to figure out if this is real I'm trying not to go head over heels. Trying ot keep my control And not let my emotions go again. It's been such a long time since I've been cared about. And suddenly you're there. Making me smile and laugh and forget Holding me and caring It's nice... I remember now. I'd forgotten. Right now, I don't want to lose you I'm trying so hard to contain myself. I care about someone again... ... And someone's there to care for me. *** So strange to feel abandon To blow everything off Just for a fling It's so strange to suddenly care I have my mind wrapped up In good thoughts Miraculously its' not killing me. It's hard to keep this smile off my face. Why does it seem so significant? :::EDIT 2::: I am pathetic. He doesn't want me. God why/how can I make myself believe these things. But I still saw him w/o pants/shirt... meh Fuck this I can't do it again.