I don't know what I feel anymore. I got the weirdest email. yet another secret to keep. I miss her so bad. She tells me she loves me like a sister, and love loves another... person... i know. I'm not sure right now. My thoughts... confuse me... because I don't know if I can say all I want is a sister. She's the only person that hasn't hurt me. The only one that hasn't betrayed me. She's given me reasons to trust her. But... in some way it scares me. Makes me angry at myself for contemplating that path. There are so many "I dont know whether"'s in my life right now. I dont know whether or not I want to live, I dont know whether or not I want to be fixed, I dont know whether or not I mean any of what I say, I don't know whether or not I can love anymore... I don't know whether or not I am completely straight....I dont know whether or not I want this to heal... just to name a few. The ones right there at the front of my mind. It scares me. I've never been unsure of so much before in my life. And now, it just hits me like a fucking ton of bricks. I look back to last year. I was so happy. It would only last to wednesday... then on thursday it would be... a year... since the first one. My dad told me I can talk to him. I don't know. He doesn't know me. he doesn't try to anymore. I miss him so much sometimes. Sometimes I hate him for being gay. Then I yell at myself and tell me that is a horrible thing to wish. If he weren't gay, Eric wouldn't be around. Yet for some reason, I feel horrible for thinking it of myself sometimes. I just... I miss people. I miss my friends. I miss two of them more than i can possibly say. I am so mixed up inside... I can't find even another single word to describe it, nothing to articulate the feeling. I just need to help myself find answers. Maybe I'll call her tomorrow. I found her phone number. Besides, Long distance is free, and I'd be on weekends... I should. I need to talk to somebody I can trust.