this is funny. I have missed 2 consecutive days of school. I haven't done this since the beginning of 9th grade. I woke up at 9:03 yesterday to her calling me. at 6:20 I got a text asking if I could get online. I wasn't home... I really don't want to talk to her. I don't want to talk to anyone. Tomorrow is December 7th where nobody is supposed to go to school. Maybe I will not go tomororw either. It's not like I'm going to succeed in anything anytime soon. I just don't want to and can't face going back on a blue day. Oh. Aleks and I are broken up by him now too. Finally. Now there is nobody I can claim. Hooray for me. I dont want to go back. I'm going to fail everythign already, I've had a 4 day weekend, and the only reason I've even touched my backpack is to get pens and pencils out for drawing and writing in my jounal... Maybe I want her to think I'm dead. It would be funny if I got there tomorrow.... or didn't get there tomorrow and found out htey all thought I was dead. Which would be hilarious and hurtful, because they wouldn't care. They'd just notice. They'd all be like "Whew thank god now I don't have to hold my tongue" And arjay would be like "Thank god now I can fuck Jordan and do anything I want to him in broad daylight at school and not feel guilty about it." And I hope htey all die. I don't like it here. I want to go far far away. I sat in my room this morning, covered up and just staring at my cloudy ceiling... thinking... I could leave... it would be so easy... I could just run away. Get out of this godforsaken state and away from just about everyone I know. I'd go to Arkansas if I could... Anywhere else and anyone else I'd go to would take me home kicking and screaming. That's the only place I could go where I would be safe and have someone around that is actually a friend and actually cares about me. Fuck the holiday spirit. It's snowing again. It doesn't feel like December or anything like Christmas... It feels like some bleak despairing time where everything just keeps going down. And It's a bottomless pit I'm falling into. People would look at you and go "If things are that bad they can't possibly get worse" Well they're wrong. They've gradually been getting worse since they were really noticably bad last year... when I actually began doing psychotic things and plotting murders of my "friends" .... because that's what I do. I lay in my bed with no thoughts but how I could get away from my "friends" and family or hurt them. And they put people in aslyums to keep them from hurting htemsleves and others. I would gladly commit myself to one. It's the only place I could stay... and be safe and away from them. They could give me medicine that would make me forget about them and everything. Because the IBprofen and the codeine and the self mutilatoin doesn't do it. I need help.... I just can't figure out how to tell anyone else....