oh my fucking god i cant do this with her. i honest to "god" can't!. there is too mcuh going on. i dont know which to say FUCK to: fuck school or fuck friends it is a hard choice. but oh my god. she thinks i did it on fucking PURPOSE!!!!!! ArJay: how did you think it would make me feel chat_bac_gurl_16: i didnt think it would piss you off. i dontknow how i htought youd feel. i didnt htink youd care that much ArJay: so he knos it was me ArJay: great ArJay: byebye ArJay: i go to cali chat_bac_gurl_16: why does that mean you go? ArJay: who the fuck else would it be? what game are you playing chat_bac_gurl_16: im not playing a game. i dont get that question. chat_bac_gurl_16: why does it matter that he knows it was you? is what i dont get. ArJay: BECAUSE IF HE KNOWS IT WAS ME THEY TELL MY FUCKING PARENTS ArJay: you fucking knew and i know you like him and so this is betterment fior you chat_bac_gurl_16: why is it betterment? he asked me why i wanted to talk to him and nothing popped in my head ArJay: smart. you could have just said u didnt kno chat_bac_gurl_16: fine i fucked up im sorry i didnt think about it. chat_bac_gurl_16: i dont know what else to say or any logic i can put behind it. you want me to get back on and tell him not to tell? ArJay: i dont fucking care ArJay: if he wants to he will chat_bac_gurl_16: fine ArJay: you know he will chat_bac_gurl_16: no i dont. i dont think he wants to send you away. ArJay: he knows it was me, he thinks he holds the cards, and now i dont even know if terry can call you ArJay: so im at a loss 100% chat_bac_gurl_16: why couldnt terry call me ArJay: why cant i trust you not to tell him it wasnt you when all basically i said was hi ArJay: i'll give him another number chat_bac_gurl_16: i asked you not to... and right as i got on he pops up and goes "you wanted to reach me earlier?" and i didnt even think ArJay: if he didnt want me away, why would he have hurt me in so many ways? why would he push me away? why would he have told paul all that stuff? ArJay: i just said hello ArJay: and he knows it was me ArJay: ok chat_bac_gurl_16: i didnt know what to say to him as why i was trying to reach him. chat_bac_gurl_16: i dont think he wants you gone forever. i dotn think its possible for him to want that completely. ArJay: w/e just becoz he wouldnt want my death on his head chat_bac_gurl_16: well then i guess he's not the only one he wants away then. chat_bac_gurl_16: did he ever SAY to YOU that he wanted you gone ArJay: actions speak louder than words, and he wouldnt want a death on his head chat_bac_gurl_16: but still. its alot to want somebody gone completely from your life. thats like almost wishing they were dead and he wouldnt want it on his head. ArJay: but im done now because for all i know you copy and you paste chat_bac_gurl_16: no i'm not. its not even him. ArJay: how do I know chat_bac_gurl_16: i dont know. even if it were him why would i want him to know you're mad at me? ji'm not even his friend ArJay: "it is kind of nice having him talkt o me again tho" chat_bac_gurl_16: that doesnt mean i'm his friend. i never talk to him on aim. ArJay: ok chat_bac_gurl_16: why would it even matter to him anyway ArJay: hmmm ArJay: think chat_bac_gurl_16: nothign comes. i dont see why chat_bac_gurl_16: why do you think it would ArJay: why would telling paul matter? to hurt me ArJay: to rip wat was maybe left into tiny little pieces chat_bac_gurl_16: i wouldnt help him hurt you. you are my friend. chat_bac_gurl_16: at least not intentionally. ArJay: and you tell him chat_bac_gurl_16: i didnt have that thought and that cause/effect in my mind. i was asked a question. i responded. ArJay: and you told him it was me chat_bac_gurl_16: i didnt do it on purpose. i didnt think about it. ArJay: you did it on purpose if you typed it in and pushed enter. ArJay: brb ArJay has signed out. (9/19/2005 8:56 PM) chat_bac_gurl_16: i didnt do it to hurt you. i didnt do it to help him hurt you. it was the answer in my head when he asked me. one of teh shortest convos between us. yet it seems like its gone on forever. and if she's not back by 9:05, i'm fucking leaving. i have too much to deal with besides worrying about what i might have done to her. i cant even think about it. i didnt hink it would make her mad. i told her. i didnt jsut keep it in and let her be fucking pissed later. i can't stand to think i've hurt her. i know i've said she deserves it, she doesnt need it right now. nobody does. there is too mcuh fucked up shit going on right now. i wish i could pretend like none of this mattered and just slice it out.