This is the last fucking time i'm going to do this with her. Either it gets fixed and I go the fuck away to stop hurting everyone, or she straightens up and tells me what hte fuck she thinks is wrong with me. I died today. and as I walked away, You'd never know you were on my mind. I don' tknow who it's about. But i feel like dying. I am so hurt and so angry. I didn't even do anything to her except say that I didn't want to go to taco bell. I gave reasons. FUCK YOU. why do you look so hateful today? always put it off well you are being a bitch and i'm fucking tired of it because you always treat me like shit whenever you have a bad day. your fucking dirty looks and shit. Boo hoo it's still dumb because you put things off and then blame them. obviously not. You just hold it inside and then cut yourself and say it was becasue there was no one to talk to or whatever. Today, I did. And she can't tell me that there wast someone to talk to because there fucking wasnt. You always put things off bitchy like I shouldn't care about YOU, my FRIEND. SO yeah fuck me like always. I AM SO SICK OF HER CONTINUOUS BULLSHIT. MAYBE I DON'T WANT YOU TO CARE. IT DOESN'T FUCKING SEEM LIKE YOU CARE!!!!! THE FIRST TIME I CUT MYSELF YOU BLEW IT OUT OF PROPORTION AND THEN FOUGHT WITH ME. YOU WEREN'T THERE CARING AND SHIT WHEN I CUT MYSELF OVER YOU AND HIM AND EVERY FUCKING THING THAT YOU DID TOGETHER. IT RIPPED ME APART. I WANTED TO DIE. I WISH I'D KILLED MYSELF THEN. THAT WAY I WOULDN'T BE HERE HURTING LIKE THIS BECAUSE OF YOU. ITS NOT JUST YOUR FAULT BUT YOU JUST BROUGHT IT DOWN ON ME. THEY ALL HURT ME. EVERYTHING FROM THE PAST THAT HE LET LOOSE, IT STILL HAUNTS. ME HIS EYES, HIS VOICE THE VERY IDEA OF HIM MAKES ME WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT AND STICK REDHOT NEEDLES IN MY EYES. AND YOU SIT THERE LAUGHING WITH THEM WHILE I SIT AWAY FROM YOU, TRYING TO HOLD HTE TEARS IN AND TO NOT LOOK AT YOU. BECAUSE THE SIGHT OF YOUR FACE WILL MAKE IT CRASH DOWN ON ME. I WROTE FOR FOREVER LAST NIGHT. I DIDN'T CUT. I TOOK A PAINKILLER AND A HALF. I LET OUT SOME SHIT I WISH I HADN'T. I THOUGHT MYSELF INTO A MOTHERFUCKING STUPOR. AND HEALTH CLASS. OH THE UNIT ON MENTAL HEALTH. JUST WATCH ME FALL OVER LAUGHING WHEN THEY TALK ABOUT THE SUICIDE PARTS. I WAS TRYING TO MAINTAIN CONTROL OF MY THOUGHTS AND MY FEELINGS. I HATE HATING YOU AND I HATE YOU HATING ME. BUT IT DOESNT MAKE ONE GODDAMNED BIT OF DIFFRENCE NOW DOES IT. THE ONLY PERSON THAT SEEMED TO CARE AT ALL WAS HYRUM. OR LIZ, OR WHOEVER IT WAS ON HIS PHONE TALKING TO ME ALL AFTERNOON. YOU ASK ME A QUESTION I GIVE YOU THE SAME ANSWER. SUICIDE AND CUTTING... HATING YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY AND FANTASIZING ABOUT DEATH ARE NOT GOOD SUBJECTS TO GET INTO IN A SCHOOL-LIKE ENVIRONMENT. BUT NO, PRY IT OUT OF ME AS BEST YOU CAN. BREAK LITTLE PIECES OFF OF ME TO MAKE ME TALK TO YOU. CHIP AWAY AT MY EXISTENCE UNTIL THE FLOOD LETS LOOSE ONTO YOU. I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN HURT. I KNOW I'VE HURT YOU BUT I'M SICK OF YOU. I'M SICK OF THE WAY YOU DO THINGS TO ME ... THE WAY A SINGLE FUCKING WORD CAN MAKE ME HATE MYSELF. AND I CAN'T TELL YOU THIS. I CANT EVEN BEAR TO THINK ABOUT YOU. I HOPE YOU DIE. I HOPE WE BOTH DIE. AND YOU CAN GO TO HEAVEN LIKE THE MARTYR YOU ARE, AND I WILL GO BURN IN THE FLAMES OF A HELL I DON'T EVEN BELEIVE IN. THEN WILL WE BE EVEN? i want to take the rest of the pills. I want to take them and go fall asleep. Fuck the world, my life, all the people in it. I really don't care about anyone or anything anymore. I can't. It hurts too much to care about anything. My head spins and I feel like I'm watching everything from some place above me. My head floats too. Whistling noises scream inside my head and I can't escape them. But I ca't make sense of them either. Tonight I am forced to put on a smile, and go out with them. I want to sit in my room and die, personally. My stomach hurts. My head is starting to throb. Take the pill, go release every thought inside your head. Go now little one, and make a mistake. Oh please do. I want to tell of Joel I'm probably going to tell Liz that it's been her all along. I"m just sick of everything she tries to lay down. SICK SICK SICK Today I died And as I walked away You'd never see the suicide on my mind.