I sat at our table at IHOP tonight.... and for some reason... what I did scares the shit out of me. If you have a carbonated beverage, and a straw, and you push the straw into the beverage and it floats up to the top and bounces a little, that should tell you the straw's not going to stay down, right? Right. Well for some reason that didnt click to me, because I sat at our table for 10 minutes, sticking the straw down and every time i moved my finger off the top, i expected it to stay down, where I had made it go. Every time it didnt, every time I expected it to. And I got mad because it wouldn't stay down. 15 year olds don't do that. 15 year olds understand the concepts of gravity and density and know how buoyancy works. 15 year olds dont laugh when it bounces up and cheer when they jam it down into an ice cube and make it stay. But that is what I did. I've been doing things like that alot. Doing things like little kids... playing with stupid toys, mispelling things, giggling like a little kid... i've cried myself to sleep so mcuh lately. thse feelings hurt me so much. but i can't get them out. i'm a fraid to tell anyone. so i keep them bottled inside and sit and type these words, flaoting above my body... my eyes foggy... tears rolling down my cheeks... because i am too much of a little chicken to tell anyone how i feel. i dont hate her. maybe i do i dont know and she thinks i do. I am so scared..... of my feelings, my thoughts, and most of all.... myself.