January 1st, 2006 Originally written at 5:26 a.m.:5 ½ hours into 2006 and I hate it already. 1:00 P.M.: Not much has changed at all in that respect. I left bray’s house after being there almost 11 hours… I couldn’t stand to be there anymore. The party was okay… There weren’t all that many people there. Me, Chambray, Chris, Clayton w/e, Chad, Destiny, ArJay, Brett, Nephi, Terry, Chevy, Birdie/Bobbie, Bug…Rosaly and Shorty… and I seriously don’t know who else if anyone. Everyone was kind of coupled up… ArJay/Terry, Chambray/Terry, Chambray/ArJay, ArJay/Brett, Chad/Destiny, Chevy/Birdie, Shorty/Potts,… and I sat there all by myself. At one point when I was starting to get into stuff… thinking about saying something, Bray lay down on me and Brett and ArJay and then kind of cocked her head at me and went “You’re not Bi are you?” And I seriously didn’t want to say “yeah, I am” so I sort of shrugged and said “I don’t know…” because it’s all I could muster… the coward I am. DON’T FIGHT GODDAMNIT DON’T FIGHT! We ate… it was pretty fun… went outside, Bray ran off with Terry and started making out with him behind her house. Chad poked him in the ass with a stick. Before that, ArJay bribed Brett and Terry to “sexually embrace” so that she could take a picture, and in return she’d let them her and bray make out… it was kind of disgusting to me actually. I am so much unlike my friends it is unreal. Ringing in the new year was pathetic. I don’t know exactly WHO got kisses from WHO, but it was pretty fucking clear who bray got to kiss. Me, as usual, sat in the corner of the couch trying not to notice and not to hurt or be angry or say something I shouldn’t… Shorty’s friend Rosalie knows Liz and Brett and Hyrum and all those people. It was kind of fun to talk to her. It’s like hey! I know someone else in the “group”… At one the guys had to go and we had to go downstairs… so we gathered food and went. Chambray talked to 5 fucking million people trying to get guys to come back and sneak them in. I wanted to pick the phone up out of her little hand and smash it down on the floor. ArJay and Bray and Destiny lit a bonfire thing on bray’s cement floor… fireworks as well… the bonfire was better until the smoke started to burn and the smell was making me dizzy. It would have been tragically hilarious if either bray or ArJay had let the fire get back to the can while spraying it. After the fire I don’t really remember what we did, curled up in the beds kind of and talked… ArJay called Jordan a bunch of times from my phone to the point where she said to us again “If you little brats call me one more time, I’m calling the cops” But this time, ArJay was braver. We changed phones and called her back. One more time. We sort of laid down and tried to go to sleep, me Bobbie and ArJay on one bed and Chevy and Destiny on the other. Bray was still wandering around talking to people trying to get them to come. ArJay finally convinced Chad to come… he got there and came in and sat on my fucking feet, leaning back into ArJay and bray from time to time on top of him. Everyone was being fucking psycho and I was sick of it. This was at like 4… Bobbie went to the other bed so she could sleep and then Chambray hopped up on our bed and tried to wedge herself into the space Bobbie had left, pushing me and my fat ass further off the bed. I had like half the body space that I really needed, and it was diminishing quickly as Chad got more comfortable as did Chambray. They kept thinking I was fucking asleep. Not asleep. Being quiet trying not to be a bitch… trying not to cry or whatever. At one point bray said she was cold and ArJay told her to take my blanket. FUCKER. 15 maybe half an hour later Bobbie was asleep and bray started getting mildly sexual with Chad…. Then she asked who wanted to sleep and said whoever did should get our bed and whoever didn’t should move to the other bed. I got up to go to the bathroom, got my phone, ArJay told me it wasn’t there when I was holding it in my goddamned mother fucking hand. Notice I spell all the angry words right but I fuck up the nouns. I came back and the 5 of them were crammed over on the one bed and bobbie was left alone to sleep. And they just sort of said out of the darkness “you have to be over there now. We switched it.” So I grabbed my blanket from under Chevy’s ass and went over to the other bed. I laid there for maybe 10 or fifteen minutes listening to them talk about fucking and making out and bray asking if anyone wanted to get it on. Then I heard giggling and wet kissing noises… I reached over the edge of the bed to my bag and had a really hard time finding my phone … I said fuck it and they went “did you just swear?” and I said “yeah I cant find my phone..” ArJay asked me if I wanted a light and I said no never mind I don’t want to disturb anyone… I took my pants out of the bag and then I found my phone… I stuck it under my body to keep the noise from making them go WTF??? I called the home number and let it ring once. Then I waited like 2 or 3 minutes and I called again and let it ring twice or something….. I curled back up with the phone on vibrate and the noises resumed, and probably less than 5 minutes later mom called back. I was like “what the fuck” and answered it… asked mom if she could come get me so I could come home and sleep. I apologized to her and thanked her when she said she’d come get me. i hung up and found all my shit, slipped my shoes on, put the sweatshirt on And they were all like “oh I guess you’re awake” “do you need a light?” no fuckers its too late for that. “you’re leaving?” half question half wtfever I don’t care… they “apologized” I said whatever they asked if I’d be okay I said yes. LIAR. ArJay asked me if I still want to go over tomorrow and I said yes… but I don’t know if that’s a lie or not. Asked bray which door she wanted me to go out. She took me up to the side door and let me out and asked me again if I’d be okay. I lied again and said goodbye. I sat on the porch in the dark and in the wind at 5:00 AM on new years day, choking back tears. The party threw into sharp reality that I am alone. That I am a coward and not exciting. That I am grotesque.. hideous, and it doesn’t matter what I do… nobody will ever understand. Never. It doesn’t matter whether I’m straight or not. It doesn’t matter whether I slit my wrists and cut my knees or not. Mom got me. I came home. I cried myself to sleep… 5:30 is to a quarter to one. I turned my phone on. Fucking message from them. “uh hey sarah. Bobbie found your $5 in the popcorn and I was wondering if you accidentally took my camera, so call back. “ I DON’T HAVE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING CAMERA AND THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE AND THE THOUGHT OF ANY OF YOU RIGHT NOW MAKE ME WANT TO THROW UP AND CRY. Again, the most bizarre things do things to you. Like how the hurt took away the numb on Thursday… Today, the hurt and the anger have made me numb. I’m sure I should go back to sleep… holy shit its 2 already. The time is making me crazy. Is it standing still? Or is it moving so fast that I can’t keep track of it? I keep randomly snapping myself out of these blank trains of thought. Blank stares to nowhere with miniscule thoughts in my head…. I want to cry… I want to hurt. The scary thing is every time I look at the clock it seems like an hour has passed… the songs on the TV change.. I stare mindlessly at the title bar bouncing up and down. I should stop. I can’t keep doing this. I can go to daddy’s and put my pictures up. Or I could stay home and keep this up. Either or… But I know I need to speak this rather than type this. Bullshit.