i have to get this out. i get shitty everytime i think real hard about my mom n dad n the divorce..or see my dad walk through the door. it feels weird even having my dad in the house now. n everytime im making something to eat im like want some? n hes like no i dont live here..it would be stealing food. it makes me feel like shit. i know hes just saying that. my mom always says that my brother feels so bad for my dad cuz he forgot how life was like 3 years ago. he prolly did. idk how to explain it. i havnt forgotten. i remeber all the horrible memories. i was mad @ him alot of my life but my dad did chnage. hes nice now. he isnt mean to us. its just ugh. i know hes changed. my mom knows it too. but shes got someone else now n i cant do anything about it. i want her to be happy but whenever i see my dad i just get so teary eyed. im in tears now just writing about this. i havnt let out like any of this shit b4. somtiems i just dont even wanna talk about it. like its not even there. idk..but i cant do it anymore. i dont know if i should even say anything to my mom about te way i feel. i want her to still think that im mature n i can handle it n be there for her..n if i tell her the way i really feel shes not ganna think that anymore. idk. i cant write about this anymore..melissas right there on the bean bag n i dont wanna start crying anymore then i already am. im listening to that one song..butterfly kisses by garth brooks. about a father n his little girl. @ first i though it was a dumb song cuz me n my dad werent close, but i have been talking to him more n more n missing him so much it makes me cry when i hear it now. ugh. why cant things be normal again. i remeber my daddy used to be my ::hero:: I used to ride on his shouldersall the time, go camping, go on motercycle rides together, go miniture golfingm, play cath in the backyard, football, kickball. idk just everything. even though all the good thing i had with him were filled with MANY bad things inbetween i still wish i could go back. i would cahge so much. i wouldnt fight with my brother, i wouldnt make him mad, i would actually go do things with him n not just sit there n ignore him. i would try to talk to him, i would try tp get closer with him so i wouldnt feel guilty once he moved out. :'( i hate this. i miss my old daddy. im not mad @ him anymore. i promise im not. im mad @ my mom. mad @ her for letting this happen. im not ok with it anymore n i cant do shit. i dont want this gary coming into my life taking over my dads place. dad is a special word n i cant ever call someone else that. i miss you daddy. please come home. why can things just be normal again. i pormise i wont make you mad anymore. ugh. im out..im crying n i dont want to be.