Well..tonys still not here yet and its like 719? hes eating even though my mom made dinner? he says he has to sence hes spedning the night at dustins. ugh. and its not helping that stephanies being an annoying bitch either. we had a fight while tony was gone and just bitched contantly at eachother. hmm i guess were not "friends" anymore so i guess i just lost another friend in the past year. idk..sometimes thoughts of kaila still pass me by and i miss her. and now stephanies drifting faster then ever. i was close to losing melissa awhile ago and thank the fucking lord i still i have her. and im so glad ashley and i are getting closer. i x3 her too. idk..shit is changing so fast and i feel like i cant deal with it again. between school, stephanie, my parents and other little things that happen along the way i begin to feel more helpless eachtime. i havnt felt this in over a year now and its starting again. i dont want it to get any farther then it did b4. last time it got out of hand and i started doing stupid things to myself and not to mention start smoking. ugh. i cant believe im eveing saying this. usually on this diary i cant say stuff like this and i just give little hints as to what im feeling but i cant this time. it just all keeps coming out and i just keep typing fast and faster. this all hurts me no matter how many smiles i give off to the people i love. god. i just wish someone would understand the pain i feel everyday even though my life might look so glamerous cuz i have a boyfriend. who cares..even though i have someone who loves me and cares about me doesnt mean i dont have problems. idk. usually i dont talk to people anymore about problems unless its tony..or stephanie. i feel so goddamn stupid. i feel like just wanna go under the covers and hide from everyone. i dont give a shit if this sounds dramatic or not. i havnt vented like this in a long time. i never sit there and fucking sulk about everything but this shit needs to fuckign enddd. i cant take it anymore. i know im ganna be fuckign grounded again which is fucking awesome. i think fucking 4 and a 1/2 months of grounding this year was enough. godd. i hattte crying. i still cant believe im saying this shit either. oh..and i cant talk to my mom about shit either anymore. i feel like she judges me but who cares..she has gary now and hes much more important to her then he fucking daughter. fuck him for all i care. god. im so mad, sad, upset, confused, tierd and just everything thats not positive? i feel like i dont even wanna be here anymore. it feels like everyting is just getting too hard. ugh. idc what people say either. "aww she thinks she has it hard" or "wow fucking pathetic" i dont give a shit. this is how i feel. ewifherogh ughhhh anyone of my friends or people who read my diary often would say i act pretty happy all the time and dont sit here and say im shitty and i wanna die so fuck you if you have a fucking problem with it. the whole worlds a bitch anyways so fucking die im ganna go cry now.