Tonight is the last night that I write to the great electric void in a long time. I wont be back untill the seventh. Didnt go to Bear Lake, instead we went to a movie. They have little kids so we watched Madagascar. It was ok. I woke up this morning and started to cry. I dont know why I was crying. I felt very very sad and lonely. I felt used and hated and forgotten. I stopped crying. I felt stupid. Drank alot of soda today. I have been drinking alot of soda recently. I like to drink Mountain Dew. The green cans are littered around my room. I could be a drunk if I wasnt drinking Mountain Dew. Played computer games. I "dont want to make out so bad" I miss him. I guess you dont know what missing is. I dont feel myself unless I am with him. He is a part of me that I cant find anywhere else. He makes me laugh, he knows how I am feeling all the time. He knows more about me than other people. Its not just physical longing, its... I dont know how to explain my feelings. If you had feelings, you would understand. Oops, hollie is being offensive again. I got red lipstick today. Its not bright red, its not dark red, its perfect red. Its the classy red that the women on old movies wear. Its the red that you can find on mens collars. Its very red. It reminds me of blood. Accidentally skinned myself today. Saw alot of blood. Packed for tomorrow. I hope I have a good trip. Washing my bed blankets right now. I havent washed them in awhile. I like the laundry detergent smell. I am going to sleep on very clean sheets tonight. I wish I had a pair of wings to fly away on. Ate an english scone today. It was good. I had never had one before. It is like a biscuit, with this jelly/jam like substance inside. I listened to the fireworks. The fireworks in Logan. I bet they where there. All of them. I bet they where having a good time. I sat on my floor and hugged myself. Listening. My parents had a fight this morning. It was about money, as usual. They where yelling. I cried. I went outside. I walked a long way. Came back some time later. Mom was crying, dad had driven his car somewhere. I locked myself in the bathroom and turned up the radio. I kept crying. It reminds me of winter. They had a fight in the winter. It was late, maybe eleven. They where fighting about money. I put on a coat over my pajamas and slipped into some sneakers. I walked around the neighberhood. It was cold. It was snowing. I was shivering. I didnt want to go back home. I cried. I did go back home. I sat on the deck for a time. I tryed to open the door but it was locked. I rang the doorbell. Mom was mad at me for leaving without telling her, thats why she locked the doors. I didnt say anything. I went to my room and sat on my bed. I dont talk anymore. I type, I cry, I smile. I dont talk. It smells like fire. I wonder whats burning. He sent me an e-mail saying how sad he was that he could not see me. He liked me when he lived here. He is a buddhist. I liked him when he lived here. I threw away my knife. I hid in my room from the knife. I knew that I could hurt myself with the knife. I knew that I wanted to hurt myself with the knife. I hid from it. Damn you, damn you to hell. You say you love me. You lie. In the name of the knife