I dont understand myself alot of the time. I have dated around before, so much that I almost always had a flavor of the week. But as soon as one of them hurt me I was stuck. I had to have them, I had to get the one that made me feel pain. I dont know why. It has to be a certain kind of pain... but still. If they made me sad. Its like I wall myself up with fained confidence, brick by brick. But if anyone finds that weak spot I am sold. Of course it most often works the other way. People poking around my wall make me angry, and I have to destroy them. Its like... battle-bot mode... My parents want me to "mix it up", because apparently dad doesnt like me dating one person for extended periods of time. I can understand, he is just being a dad, but what if I dont want to mix it up? I am not going to, whatever the case. I dont want to try and date other people. Its tedious, and also... I dont really think I want to. Thats the most important part. I dont want to. Mom tries to be understanding, she's had a few serious boyfriends in her time. And at the same time she wants to make dad happy too... and I dont think she can do both. It is so fucking cold. All my joints are achy and they pop. I feel like an old lady. I feel a little bit guilty. I know my parents have always had sort of a hard time accepting everything I am. I havent made it easy for them, I know that. But its like... what else can they do? They can either take me like I am or not take me at all. Sometimes I just want to cry.