I had a talk with my mom today. In the car, on the way back from my sisters baby shower. It is embarassing to let that woman see me cry. The other night was my granparents fiftieth anniversary. It was a dinner-type party. At the beginning we all had to stand up and say our names and how we where related to them. My sister stands third and says "My name is katie, I am cathy's daughter, and the FAVORITE granddaughter." Then she sits down and looks at me like I am going to challenge her in her favoritism. I stand, "I am Hollie, cathy's other daughter" and I sit. Everyone was quiet for a moment. I didnt meen it to be offensive to everyone, I was just standing down from the stupid fight that katie was trying to pick. My aunt talked to me about it today. Saying that she almost cried when I heard that, and that her mom was offended. She said that she thought I meant that I was treated differently than my sister. I didnt mean it like that, but I guess thats how it is. Katie is the perfect one. Blonde, blue eyed, good in school, charming, laughs alot, married into a rich family, and expecting a baby boy. Who can compete with that? Not me. I am the black sheep. I told my mom that I wasnt going to go to church anymore. I told her that I wasnt going to listen to a bunch of hypocrits talk to me each sunday. I told her that I didnt respect the people, though I believe in the general ethics of this particular religion. She told me that if I stopped going my dad would ground me. I asked what would happen if I didnt stay grounded as long as I was supposed to. She said that dad would kick me out to live on the streets and find a job,a home, and food for myself. So I stopped talking. Then I told her why I thought that dad was stpid, why he wasnt parenting right, how he wanted me to be just like katie. I told her how I felt like every day I let him down, how every day he nagged me about one thing or another, how he made opressive rules that just made me want to do the opposite of what he said. She said that he was trying to help me, not hurt me. I told her that he did a shitty job at it. She was quiet for a moment, suprised at my swearing. Then she said that no one gives you instructions on how to raise kids. I told her that not all kids where the same. She told me that she knew, and that she never expected me and katie to be alike. She was crying by this time. I told her that all my life I felt like I was being compared to my sister. I always felt like I wasnt good enough, I didnt measure up to the extraordinarily high standards that katie had set. I felt worthless, I felt stupid, I felt like I was on the edges of the family. She couldnt speak. She said that she was sorry that it seemed like that. She told me that she had always loved me, no matter what I had done. Then I reminded her that I have had a boyfriend for the better part of a year. I also reminded her of all of those report cards with less than perfect grades. Then I told her that I loved her too. It was quiet for a long time. Then my uncle called, and mom talked to him for awhile. After she got off I told her that I was afraid to let friends come over because of dad. I told her that my boyfriend might like to come over and visit. She said that my friends could come over whenever dad wasnt home, she said that she would cover me. Then I felt like she was just being nice to me because I was being mean. And I felt bad. So I said sorry. When we got home mom had a talk with dad. He just laughed and told me that I was just being a stupid teenager. I went to my room and shut the door. I didnt cry anymore. I was angry, still am. I did my laundry. An hour later he came in and yelled at me. He said that he was my father and that I had to obey him because he fed me and clothed me and let me go to school. He said that he has never done anything that wasnt within reason when it came to punishing me. I reminded him of the time he broke the wooden spoon on my butt. Now he was to angry to talk. So he left. I re-dialed my boyfriend and told him sorry that I had so abruptly hung up on him before, that my dad was just yelling at me and that I would call him later. Then dad came back, ca;lmer. He said that he didnt expect me to be a straight A student, but he thought I could pull of B's. He said that I was a smart girl and that I had potential. He said that if I wasnt so lazy then I would be better than katie. I asked him if katie was better than me right now. And I started crying. He told me that he loved me. "I love you to dad." And I cried so hard. "Its ok honey, I did the same thing when I was your age." I am still just wiping my face. I am all soggy. ... A few days ago he told me that I want to settle down. He said it wasnt healthy for me to just spend time with him. He said that I should make time for my other friends, that he couldnt be my only friend. I cried, again, still, always. I am so stupid. But, I feel better now. School is starting, I will meet up with old friends and make new ones. Maybe it wont be that bad. And my mom said she would let me play on weekdays if I cleared it with her first. Now I am trying to convince her to let me sluff if I call her first. ...my throat hurts. My cousin is cool, and suprisingly nice for an emo/"hard rock" kid. And he didnt even flirt with me this time. Some of you may be confused. Well I just got this cousin last year. His mom died and my gay uncles partner got the kids. So now there are two gay men in New York, one an episcopalian preist, raising a nine year old girl and a sixteen year old boy. Interesting huh? School starts on thursday. I feel different tonight. I feel... kind of free. I feel like I have the world at my command. I feel strong. I feel... like a goddess. Beautiful and dangerous and powerful. lol. So I met this woman named Gigi today. That... is a kick ass name. in the name of kicks...