I've decided that I am not really alive. I am breathing yes, moving, my heart is beating. But I am not really alive. Most times I am just a zombie... the only thoughts I have flit across the surface of my consiousness, making barely a ripple. My words are often mindless, thoughtless things that fly out of my mouth whenever they see fit. I am not alive. Living people think about thinks, they figure things out. Dead people dont think. My emotions are about the same way. They change like a chameleons skin, a rainbow in a short period. The deepest places inside of me feel sad. I feel lonely and angry and bitter and afraid. I feel hollow. Constantly. This is one of the few things that remain constant. The bitterness. I can be happy... but it doesnt really penetrate the core. It may surround it, but it never gets in. I am pathetic. I feel like something is going to happen. Or is happening, I am not sure. Mom says that when I feel like this I should pray about it. Me and God have a few things to work out before I can really be ok with him again. Its hard to believe in him. I have been having the weirdest dreams lately. Alot of bad dreams lately. That doesnt usually happen, I havent had a nightmare for a long time. The last time I really remember was last january. When he was chasing me and wanted to kill me because he hated me. And I couldnt hide. When he found me he pounded my skull into the asphalt. I never really thought it would happen. But the past month or so has made me think twice about it. He could if he really wanted to. It still makes me sad to think about it. I dont really have a life right now. The beaus that I would have liked are currently busy with... other... things. All three of them. Its bad enough with just one... but three. I would like to think that I was charming and beautiful enough to un-distract them all... but... you cant always get what you want. There has to be something wrong with me. I just want something that I like to stay. I want it hold me and whisper nice things in my ear. I want it to be good. But it seems like this dry spell is going to last awhile. Its depressing. Alot. I threw up alot this week. Why doesnt anybody love me???! lol... ah, I suck. I am thinking that I give up. On everything. I am just gonna throw my hands up and scream and cry and vow to never try again because I know I cant do anything. But that is what I always do. It might be refreshing to keep trying at something. Maybe. I need some confidence. I dont wanna sleep tonight. in the name of the deep dark places...