My own emotions suprise me sometimes. One second I am stable, content, good. The next I feel as if I am flying off the walls. There is a difference between what your mind thinks it wants and what your heart knows it wants. I never thought I would be feeling like this again. I thought I was safe, that I had tamed my heart and trained my mind. Not so. So I sit here, trying to understand what happened, where I went wrong. It makes me feel guilty when I am like this. It makes me feel like I am all take and no give. First thinking "why?" then "why not?" its not like I own any part. Its not like I have permanent claim on anything. I cant control everything, or really anything for that matter. The only thing I can attempt to control is my life, and that is often just an attempt. Its not like anything bad is going to happen. It is absurd for me to think that. And yet every minute passes like an hour and every hour an eternity. Self doubt and fear use this time to creep up and embrace me. Every second represents one thing I did wrong, one thing that could make the happiness, the goodness go away. Again, this is absurd. Nothing is wrong right now, everything is good. I am happy, and I have to wonder if that is why I am so afraid. I dont want the happy to go away. I am so terrified of the joy that is in my life right now might leave me. It reminds me of someone. I never really understood. I now first hand that just thinking thoughts like these could send my joy fleeing. Could make it want to run screaming away from me. I have to be a good girl, sit and wait. Be patient, be understanding, be trusting. You would think I had prepared myself for this. But I find myself vulnerable. I thought I had covered up the soft spots. But when in love, shouldnt vulnerable be ok? Bearing yourself for your love, showing exactly who you are, how you hurt? And now I feel like I've no where, that I havent evolved. I feel like I am still in the same place, caught between selfishness and passion. Life isnt gonna get any easier.