Just thinking about my life, thinking about what I have done. What I have learned and what I've lost. And snuggling with my fat cranky cat. Me and my hubby were talking yesterday, about our lives. It bothers him that I have so many scars, physical and emotional. I'm bothered about the same thing about him. The scar that runs across my lips, the scars that run down my arms, across my side. The emotional ones that run through my mind. I was thinking the other day that I had been self medicating long before I hit the hormonal stage of my life. I remember one time I was sick withe something, I was really little. I was taking care of myself that day, I did that alot when I was little, and my yummy tasting medicine was in the fridge right in reachable distance. I drank alot and when my mom got home she was really really mad. I think maybe I had a pre-disposition to addiction. My mom has been drugging herself everyday since I can remember, maybe she accidentally medicated herself while she was pregnant with me, I can imagine that she would be able to go nine months without. It makes me sad but its true. Its a good thing I dont really like alcohol, it doesnt taste good. If it tasted good, it might be really really hard to not have any. Another thing I have been thinking about. I blow off all of my friends alot, and I figured out why. Because it is easier. Because I feel like when I try to connect with anyone on a deep level I get shrugged off. I feel like I am either too serious or too immature. I feel like whenever I am around someone I care about I am more likely to hurt their feelings than if I just avoided them. I also feel like everyone I am surrounded by doesnt understand who I am. Everyone has a preconception that might be a part of me, but it isnt really me. Im not who you think I am. I cant handle fluff for too long, and fluff is what most people live off of. Thats why I dont want to talk to you, its not that I dont love my friends, I just hate what you have to say. Completly selfish. I need you to stimulate my mind, I need to talk about something other than video games, or boys, or who is in a relationship with who. I need to have a break, to rest my mind from pop culture. I need a long break for meditation in between each conversation. Sorry, I thought I would get that out there. ... I go to mexico in two weeks. OOOOHHHHH YEEEAAAHHH. Honeymoons rock.