And once again I feel so guilty that I fuck myself up into a state of un-feeling. I dont know who I am. I dont know where I am going. I dont know what I want. I had fun tonight though. There was like... a costume dance... and I was a devil. It was great. The strobe lights were trippy. I MISS HIM. God. And I feel like an idiot. Yep. I feel like a complete jerk and awkward and out of place and not comfortable in my skin right now. Thats what I feel like. I also feel a buzz in my brain and my fingers. And I also hurt from dancing so crazy tonight. I miss him. Pathetic. Its like... I am happy an great and comfortable with everything, and the littlest things will set me off and make me want to freak out on everyone and die. I would be baked and someone would come up to me and say "Hey hollie, how are you doing? I just wanted you to know that you are great and that I have always thought you were a really cool kid." And I would say "I like people. I like you. I have liked you forever, but before this moment you never made any real friendly contact with me. Which is why I am going to die." And then I would hug whoever the person was and I would cry on their shoulder and I would tell them how much I loved everyone and everything and how I felt so guilty about myself. And then, while they are being sort of freaked out because a stranger is hugging them and talking crazy things to them, I would pull out a gun and shoot myself in the head. The worst part about killing yourself is that you never get to see or hear how people feel about you. God I dont know why I am freaking out so much right now, but I wanna cry. And I am sort of glazed over... everything is sort of starting to get fuzzy. God I feel so bad. Did you know that I rock back and forth like an autistic child sometimes? Yes, I do. And its not even on purpose, it just happens. My memory has been fried beyond repair. I dont know where I am going with my life. I was sitting in a coffee place with three of my friends, and they were talking about stuff... and stuff. I dunno. Two of those are older and have never been married. Anyways, I just got to thinking that I havent really lived any of my life. I mean, I have lived a life, its been eventful, but I have always felt like I was older than I was. I feel like I only have a short time left, I feel like I have done everything. And I know I havent, I know this is a relapsing fear that takes me every once in awhile. I wish I knew why I always cycle back to this. My back hurts so bad. I danced so much tonight, oh my god. It was incredible. I love dancing. Grape soda reminds me of the summertime. And then my head gets heavy and my mouth gets dry and everything around gets better. I forget about things when I do this. Thats mostly the point. I know, its a bad habit, I should stop. Usually when I do I just do it for fun, because I feel like it. Tonight I am doing it to forget that I am feeling sad, or bad, or guilty. I will always have a second chance, I dont think I have fucked everything up completly. Its crazy. This stuff makes me like... rub my face, because I think its itchy. Or something. Its crazy. The strobe lights were crazy. I will prolly be really sick tommorow. So what. You just get that stabbing feeling in your abdomen, and it triggers the tear ducts in your eyes, and you hate yourself for being s oblivious. I will always get a second chance. Right? I am going to disneyland next week. I am looking forward to it. School and work have been sucking away my energy, I need a break. A big break. I never see my family anymore, I am always doing other things, I am always busy. I cant really help my mouth from hanging open. So my friend is crazy, but I love her. I'm crazy too. You are prolly all wondering what I am rambling about, but, dont worry about it because most of it is just random thoughts that come out through my fingers. So many things have been bringing up random memories of dreams I have had. Dreams that dont make sense and are usually not related at all to the thing that reminds me of it. I have been hacing the most fucked up dreams lately. And as soon as I start trying to put the dream together I forget what it was. Yep, I keep rubbing my face. If anyone wonders about how you can tell if I am on shit or not, watch for the face rub. Its like, uncontrolable urge. I need to improve my posture. Goddddddddddddd. I will prolly fall asleep in the middle of a sentance. And my head will fall down on the plexiglass that my desk is made of and I will bleed to death. And it will be good. Either that or bleed substantially and go into a coma or something. Which would be interesting. I am so selfish. I know that as soon as I think I have said enough in this entry I will climb into my bed and close my eyes and immediatly I will not be able to sleep. And things start to move and I start to stare and it was like the strobe lights early tonight it was so crazy. Its alright, I will always get a second chance. OK, I love you, I am going now. Is it weird that my tongue hangs out a little? My mouth is so small.