I feel so burned out. But at the same time I feel ecstatic. I worry about the future, about whats going to happen next. I am just getting used to this highschool thing... and I am gonna have to move on. I know I should focus on finishing school with good grades, but I am constantly distracted by the idea that I am not going to be in school anymore. On one hand, I get that motivated busy feeling alot more now... which I guess is improvement. On the other hand I still have a hard time actually acting on that motivated busy feeling. Also, I can feel art starting to drain me. I need inspiration. I am hopeless right now. But sort of not really... in some senses. I am so completly intoxicated by him for example. Whenever I am around him its like I almost cant breath, only at the same time he is the only one who I can actually breath around. Big deep breaths. This could get me into some trouble, but I dont want to think about it. It feels to good to be true, but I am so so glad that it is. He is my stability, my safe harbor. Its nice to just have someone there. Fill my void. I prolly have had him on the brain a little to much lately. He reminds me of water, thats his element. A bit ironic... but we make it work. My mind keeps drawing me back to the future. I only have one life. This satement was one that I said alot when I did incredibly stupid things. "I only have one life, might as well." often followed by the "why not?" statement. It took me a bit to realize what only having one life meant. That means if you screw it up, you cant go back. It means that you only have one chance to make your life worth something. And this "why not?" nonsense, I know exactly why not! You only got one chance honey! I have already screwed up so many things... and I cant go back! It is really messed up that I am thinking about it right now. The young are supposed to feel like gods, like they will live forever. I am at the prime of my life and I cant stop thinking about death. A little wasteful, no?