I have been thinking today, and my eyes feel like they are being opened. I feel like I have been blind for so long. I feel like I have been in a coma. I am just waking up, just seeing the world for what it is. I feel good. Good, I dunno... good. I still repress tears. But in comparison to the last few days, I feel good. And that is what it is. The awkward stage will soon be over and I will be left with a good friend, and thats all I really need right now. At first I thought that I would be happy if I had what it was back. But now I dont know what my answer is. Right now I am sitting in the fence, though I admit I am leaning precariously over the edge of before. I want it back. Someone once said that if there was a problem that you could fix then fix it, and if you couldnt fix then you shouldnt worry about it, because there was no use. And so I am not going to worry. Life with unfold itself to me and I will be happy with whatever it throws. So I am going to try not to worry. The only thing that I am worried about right now is that all of the stupid people that are so obnoxious and perverted and gross are going to get me in the end. And thats it. *** I am mostly just going through withdrawals at this point, but I am getting better. Soon it will be ok. I just distract myself, and I feel normal untill I remember again. I guess this whole thing just gives me more reason to do... anything... anything but sit and mope. I want to be mopey, because I hate being mopey. I want to be happy, and I want to be good, and I want to feel like I can fly again. *** I had a weird dream last night. I was standing in the middle of a bright spotlight, and everything was dark around me. I wasnt wearing any clothes, but I had knife in my hand. Everything was dark around me. I waited. Then he came out of the shadows. He was taller than I remember, bigger, he was angry and he put his huge hands around my neck. I stabbed him in the kidneys, then I stabbed him again, and again. He fell over, and another came out of the shadows, and then another. I recognize these people, these boys, as they come towards me, but as I slash their stomaches I feel as if I've never known them. I killed them all, and they piled around me in a circle. The blood was pooling at my feet. I didnt feel anything. Just as suddenly a thing came out of the black, it seemed to be made out of the black itself. It took my hand and it led me a little ways away from the pile of bodies, then it started to dance with me. And so we danced, but I was always watching that spotlight, and I never felt a thing. *** It seems like I havent slept in a week. I cant fall to sleep easily, and I when I do sleep I always have the weirdest dreams. I dont really sleep it seems, I just lay down. Keeping my mind of things. Some of my friends are there for me, and they have been a really big help. They distract me, and help me keep my mind awake, and help me understand. I am really grateful to these people, I prolly couldnt have done it without them. Even though I may have wanted to try to pull myself back up, I kind of know that even now I am not strong enough. *** I want to lay in the leaves forever. in the name of waking...