Right now... I feel empty souless lifeless loveless yet at times I am over crowded with many emotions waiting to burst forth Right now... I feel alone * Maybe my unhappiness is all in my head? Maybe I should think I am happy... trick myself into beleiving it. Maybe I should not think... I want to lock myself away from everyone. I want to sit in the cold dark chambers of my soul. I dont want to talk. I dont want to listen. I dont want open my eyes. I want to sit. To embrace the cold. To not feel anything. I guess sadness is better than no emotion? I dont know whats wrong with me. I like myself... at times... I like where my life is right now. I should be comfortable with everything around me, nothing is wrong with my world... Except me. If I would just get over whatever this was... I know I would be happy. Is there anything holding me down, Pushing all will out of me? No... I am free. I am not a wingless angel... I just cant see my wings... I have made it through many of these times without help... I dont need help... I dont want to bother anyone in my requests for help... I dont want sympathy. I want to be myself. I want to do it by myself. And I will... I will... But why do the tears come? Why do I shrink away from hugs or affectionate pats on the arm? Why do I hide from the world, from the people? I dont hate my life. ... I hate the way I have lived it. * I am penitent I am nothing Yet I give you a vibrant illusion of something I am a great paradox... or maybe just... nothing * We all sin. We have all made mistakes. We all have our ups and downs. I am not alone in my "misery" as a cunning friend remarked. I am not alone. Yet I am utterly alone. We could now turn to the loveable Utah religion, and say that I am never alone, that Jesus is always with me... that there are angels to protect me and guide me. That I should never hate myself. "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God" But... is my soul worth anything? And the tears keep coming. I feel like everything around me has softened. The light, the noise. Everything is a quiet blur. I cannot hear, it is as if a cloud of silence hangs over me. It is almost a struggle to breath out a "Hello" to a friend in the hallway. It used to be a ruccus in the halls at my school, it used to irritate me beyond reason. Now it is quiet. I see lips move, I hear nothing. I am in slow motion as the rest of the world continues as normal. My footsteps cannot be heard, my shadow cannot be seen, I feel like a ghost that haunts herself. I dont know whats wrong with me. * I am engulfed in silence The icy sea of my lonliness I dare not reach out to the world The scathing burn of reality Of people I dare not cause the sea to boil the noise to return I wont be mocked by sounds I am nothing Never again will I be something My soul is lost My spirit dead All I can hear Is your beating heart * This probobly gets annoying after a while eh? You just want to say "SNAP OUT OF IT" and slap my face till I come back to life. Slap me? I feel with my body. I touch. I feel cold or wet or soft or sharp. Physical feelings. But emotions I must feel with my mind? Maybe I am only tired. Yes... only tired. Sometime I will wake up. ... I hope I wake up soon. Everything is so surreal, almost dreamlike. I hate reality, but the fire of the world might warm me back up. Burn me back into living. I must have just pushed myself into this state of mind. It must have been subconsious. Everytime I said "I hate life" the wheels in my head turned slowly, and found a cure. Now I am dead. I hate being dead more than I ever hated life. Thats it. It is a punishment for not seeing what I had. Like when I broke up with him. I didnt see what I had untill I lost it... I died you know. I am dead right now. Oh dont worry, I will be back soon... Be patient with me. in the name of the ponder