I have dreamt of him the last four nights. I have wanted to drown myself the last four mornings. It would be so easy to forget that I love him if my brain wouldnt keep bringing it up. He cant even be nice in dreams. So my river has flooded and it has taken everything out with it. Sometimes I feel like I am going to be stuck on one side forever. But I wont be, I know I wont be. Even as I type I am building bridges, and fixing roads, and rescusing the people who are waving from atop their cars that are being pushed down. I can save myself and whoever else I find along the way. Or at least I can try to? I can almost see my breath and I am sitting in my room. Someone tell me why the heat is off. I feel so small, and so petty. I want to shoot myself. I do. Once upon a time a little girl walked out into the street and got hit by a car. At first she liked it, she had never been hit by a real car before. But after the car passed over her and kept on driving she felt decidedly alone, and in pain. So she bled to death. The end. ... Arhg... so last night, when I was talking about how I found your weakness, I have decided that that I havent really found a weakness. Its not like I can get anywhere with it. I cant use it against you, because that is the only chink in the wall that I can find so far. And it is frustrating. I used to think that I had everyone figured out. And now it is like... no. grr. ... I think I am gonna eat some raviolli ooo yeah. Raviolli an Aerosmith... it is like... heaven. I need to shower. lol. I am thinking that just spending all day watching wrestlers sweat and hurt themselves made me smell like a wrestler... which is GROSS. So uh... I am thinkin... that I am gonna go do that now... in the name of shower...