This post was written over a series of days, so if it doesnt really make sense... then I dont care, screw you, it makes sense to me. ... What do I want? Everything. What do I need? I need strength in my life, because I cannot provide it for myself. I need that devotion that strength brings, the protection. I need to know that if I cannot fend for myself someone will fend for me. And I cannot fend for myself. I am weak. I am restless. I lack a passion. I need someone to be empassioned for me. I am needy, yet I know what I need. I need to not be afraid. I know I have said this before, to alot of people. I dont think I will ever stop saying it. I need to not be afraid. I need to be strong. And if I cannot be strong, I need someone to be strong for me. But if there is no strength to care for me, what happens? I kill myself. The exquisite near numbness engulfs my entire body. Like floating underneath water and looking up at the moon through the ripples and every deep breath you take is full of intense yet so mellow oxygen. Like breathing in laughing gas. Your heart beats and you can feel it throughout your entire being and you are so calm that you want to cry because it feel so good. Its probobly the only part of the day that you look forward too, everything else is so full of confusion and frustration and weakness and doubt and helplessness. And when its over you want to die a thousand times. You lose all sanity for a split second yet it feels like a hellish eternity. Remembering how it feels to close your eyes and be completly wrapped in warmth and softness that I imagine could rival the feathery wings of angels. Breathing is slow and easy, as is your pumping heart, as is your life. You are barely living. You dont think about how you might not wake up from this pleasant surreal dream. You dont think about how this pleasure may cost you your life. You dont want to scare yourself out of the high. This experience dont puking it al up because you are frightened of what waits for you on the other side of death those things dont matter. The tears that yous mother will cry and the secrets that will forever be hidden and the apologies that can never be said. Just lay there and enjoy the last few seconds of your pathetic life. Do you think it was worth it? Prolly not. I cant think when the birds are talking to me. Am I wearing anything? Giggling to yourself and whispering nonsense. And that kids, is why you never never do drugs. I havent come to grips yet with mortality. I mean, death yes... but getting old. I am more afraid of getting old than I am of dying. A week or so ago I listened to my grandpa talk about how crazy getting old was for him."Its crazy how everything is just slowing up. I used to want to do alot of things, but now I just say 'dammit, the hell with getting out of bed.'" I never want to get old. I like being young. But maybe not this young. Even if I enjoy it when the sun glints off my tan-ish young healthy limbs, and the ease in which I able to move, I hate feeling like a little girl. Have you ever felt your heart long for the delicious (if metaphorical) cookie that you never seem to be tall enough to reach? I do. I god damn want that cookie. Dammit. I see everyone elses problems and I hear their predicaments and I cant help but parrallel it all to my own life. I have not decided if this is healthy or not. Maybe it doesnt exactly parrallel, but it happens to be very very similar. I cant solve my problems like other people do because there are to many variables... to many complications that mostly... only apply to me. lol. I hate it. I hear how someone resolves a problem and I say "hey! I could do that to and it could work out!" and then I remember why it cant work out... because this relates with this and does this wich would effect this which would make me... more screwed. It is upsetting. I dont know what to do. You would think that I would be used to all this by now, that I would know how to deal with it because I have dealt with it so many times already. And it almost plays out the same. "I want you." "I dunno..." "well just decide so I dont have to wait around to just be told no." "well I guess my answer is no." Hopefully, it will never happen again. I am tired of doing that. I didnt really feel anything for awhile after. I cried yes, of course I cried, I always cry when that happens. But after awhile I just sort of... stopped. I sat very still and breathed. I didnt care about any of it, about anything. I didnt feel anything untill later that night... around nine. I have a feeling that tonight isnt going to be so good. I make my moms life hell appearently. Damn. I feel like I can compensate all of my sadness by having everyone love me and loving everyone. And then I would never worry about not being good enough or not having anyone to hold. I could hold everyone and everyone could hold me, and we could all be happy. Of course that is extremly unrealistic and well... a dumb thing to think, cuz its never gonna happen. But its a nice thought. My eyes want to cry but the rest of me doesnt care. I want to roll over and die, and cry and not feel while I am doing it. I dont want to deal with any of this pointless "I love you!" and then "Your not good enough..." bullshit. I am tired. Get over yourself. You'll get old ...watch me... You'll survive ...right... You might find happiness one day, maybe one day you wont feel like you are lonely all the time, maybe one day you will find someone to help you. ...might, maybe, you shouldnt tell me things that arent true... Get help, find a shrink, the phsyciatrist will make you better ...you know how many times I have heard that?... Oh shutup. Stop whining. Stop bitching. It doesnt matter and it never will. Get over it. If your gonna die then do it, stop talking about it. Dammit, be brave. I got a call today that made me feel better. I love it when that happens. I love feeling loved. And some sick part of my likes being hated a little bit to. I never really realized it before, but I do need a little bit of abuse to keep me entertained. It cant all be happy rainbows and butterflies with me, I would get bored. I want a sort of twisted kind of perfection. Like giant old mangled trees with roots so deep and leaves so thick and green.... kind of twisted kind of perfection. I cant have like... jesus perfection... what would I do with all that... good nice-ness? Prolly feel guilty and kill myself. I promised I wouldnt do anything, and I havent... but I want to. I want to more now that I have in a long time, and I want to become nothing, just leave my rotting corpse on the floor and have my soul winked out of existance. What a horrible attitude. The world is what you make of it. A power positive mental state will make you feel better. Smile when you dont feel like smiling. Enjoy the little things. Forgive yourself. ...OK! I'm so ashamed of everything I've done. I want to tell you all to stop caring, to just forget about me and leave me to die, because you never cared when I was alive. But that... is immature. And we all know that I just want to be loved. I want to be trusted. I want to be happy. Maybe I will be. Its interesting that the one who knows the most about me also wants me the least. What does that say? I feel so weird right now. I want to bawl but I also just dont feel anything. I want to laugh and cry at the same time, I crave to hurt but also to smile. Its like something has died and it wont be revived. I guess something has. I'm going to be all alone next week. I dont know what I'll do with myself. I dont know why I am so sad about all this. Its not like any of it hasnt happened before. The other day I tried to extend myself over my comfortable limit and I got barely any response. It was lame. Ah well, I know I'll try again. Now that I think of it, what has really stopped me? I mean, sure everyone has been at least a little bit stuck before, but everyone gets over it, gets out it. I dont think I have actually found something that has stopped me dead in my tracks. But I guess my back-tracking makes up for the lack of being stopped. And its not really back-tracking... entirely. Its kind of the same, not exactly the same scenario that I have witnessed before... most of the time. So... lol. I'm a horrible person. I am so devestated whenever I cant have what I want... but it doesnt take me long to find something else to crave and keep my attention. When am I ever going to just stick to one thing... besides insanity? Never I suppose... I feel like I am always bouncing around from one thing to the next, never quite getting entire satisfaction from any one thing. I need many things to keep me happy... I dont know if I will ever be completly satisfied with one thing. Yesterday I stole my little brothers chalk and made a huge chalk mural on the sidewalk, and it was amazing, but this morning while my dad was watering the garden he accidentally washed most of it off. I love chalk. I remember when I was a little kid and drew chalk murals in front of my house, and all the other little kids in the neighberhood would come out and watch me. It made me feel good. I could be out there for hours just drawing. I loved drawing suns and dragons and stars and trees, and I loved meshing all of the different pictures together to make one huge picture. Now that a few days have past I think that I am still excited for my family to leave. I am still going to party the whole time, the only real difference... ... I keep having nightmares, I cant really remember most of them, but I wake up almost every night yelling or crying. I think I'll take a nap.