"Ah fuck, I feel a goddamned wreck" "thats cuz... you are a goddamned wreck" "yeah well... shutup, like you know" "sure I do, I am you." I tried to calm my breathing. I hyperventalate sometimes... if thats even how you spell hyperventalate. Anyways, I do that when I am upset, breath so fast that it isnt realy breathing anymore, just shaking. "breath... two three four... release two three four..." "shutup ok? you arent helping." "Yeah whatever. So what are ou gonna do?" "... I dont know." The decision is difficult. I want him so badly, but it hasnt been working out lately. "well whats so hard to decide? Its a simple yes or no." "Its not just my decision ok? just shutup! I need to think right now" "Yeah yeah, fine." And all of a sudden I feel so free. So alive and fresh and vibrant. I havent felt like this for awhile. I dont know if it is a good thing. I dont want to go out in the field again, but at the same time I crave it. I long for it, I long to be told how wonderful I am, I long to be wild. "you realize that 'wild' really meens self destructive dont you?" "no, thats not what it meens, wild meens..." "letting yourself be used? goin to the bottle? engaging in all sorts of unhealthy activities with guys who probobly have billions of stds." "no... gah... no..." I curl up in a ball under the blankets. Maybe I wanted to be like that again, I dont know. I dont know much of a anything lately actually. I want... something. "you know you are pathetic? come on, you dont need anyone." "...are you sure?" "sure I am sure, your smart enough to go off by your own. leave the cacoon hollie, be a butterfly." "but will I be a butterfly? and if I am, will the butterfly be able to survive?" "I think you are ready, I think its a sign. I think that this is divine intervention." "Yeah well I think you are crazy." Maybe I should go. Experience life in a way that I havent before. This is the time for adventure, for getting tattoos, and for downing vodka shots in vegas. Oh yes, I am the prime of my life, I cannot let myself be slowed down by a broken heart. "Or maybe not, maybe I am wrong." "make up your mind or shutup dammit! jesus." "well sorry miss 'hook me up with a dealer so I dont have to think about life' I was just trying to help you and your miserable choice making... whatever." Oh god I love him. But does love ever last forever? And we are only teenagers, we need to move on with our lives. He graduates next year, give the kid a break. "speaking of choices, this is pretty much why all of this started, cuz you made a really fucking stupid choice back when." "dont even talk to me about that ok? and also, you where part of that decision making process as I dully recall, I was the one who got us out without being raped." "Hey now, we where a little drugged ok? sorry." "good, be sorry. its not like I can go anywhere now without hearing about it." We have been together a long time. the tears on my face dry to a thin veil of mascara crust around my eyes. "lets just take nap, think about it when we wake up." "yeah, good idea." I didnt dream. But I forgot. Forgetting is an excellent way to feel better about yourself, I should know. I wake up after several phone calls from friends asking me if I wanted to come out and play. I said no, call me later. Then I pad to the bathroom to relieve the tension in my bladder. "you know you just cant forget things hollie, you have to face them." "OH MY GOD! I AM IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM SITTING ON MY TOILET! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!" "hey hey, sorry... its not like you havent talked to yourself on the pot before anyway." "you... you know... just shut the hell up ok? I will call you when I need you." "oh so now I am the dutiful servant? good riddance, I am not gonna be at your service. you fail to remember that this is about me to." Then is was quiet. I finished up my business and went back to my bed. I stretched. Oh yes, quiet, sweet quiet, now I can forget about my problems with another nice nap. Oh yes, quiet. ... too quiet... "gah, fine, I am sorry, come back ok?" "... why should I?" "because I need you, come on, talk to me." "ok, but only because I feel like this is an important decision that needs to be discussed between the both of us." I sigh. I dont want to make the decision. But here goes... "I think we should maybe stay with him, because I love him, and I want him. lets stay ok?" "are you just being afraid hollie?" "... I dont know."