Hello. I want to dissapear off the face of the earth, and only come back when someone needs me. I need that someone right now. So you think you can get me by just talking to me huh? Well sorry, but you cant. I just love all of this sensitive... whatever the hell it is... but you arent going to get into my heart like that. I need you to be perfect. Lol, that is cruel. I know I am not perfect. I seek the perfection that I cant find in myself. I need a man. A real man, I need one. I need one now. I need to fill what is gone. I need to find something else that makes me happy, I know I do, but after you've loved so much it is hard to find anything that is as good as it. Friendship. Family. Simple things. I miss love. I should stop being such a girl. No one but me seems to be ready for a real relationship. And I wont take anything less. I wont have anything less than perfect, I want what I want. Hopefully I will get it. So please put me to sleep untill he comes. You know... this is stupid. All of this is just dumb. You know I could be strong about this if I tried really hard. I must not be trying. Lets face it, I am lonely, and I cant deal with it. I put a smile on for everyone around me and I mope in my head. All I want to do right now is cry. But at the same time, I know that I wouldnt take you back right now if I had the chance. I want something like you, but I dont want you right now. I want to get out of highschool. I want to get out of my house. I want to get out. I day dream alot now. Think about anything but you. Everything but you. I dream about being a rockstar, about flying, about what I might do after I graduate. And sometimes I think about how good it is going to be when I find someone else. Thats pretty much all I want right now. And a kitten. I used to think that when I grew up I would be an architect or an interior designor. Now I am thinking that I want to be a photographer, or a potter, or a writer, or a painter. Or maybe I will just be whatever I feel like being at the time. Follow whatever dream I want to. Maybe I will travel the world, go to places like india and spain and italy. Maybe I will live out of my suitcase for a few months and just wander. I want to wander. I want to be so completly unattatched and alone and free. I want to see everything. It feels good to dream. To imagine what life might be like in a few years. Lol, life probobly wont turn out like I want it to. Chances are I will get married right after highschool and have twelve kids and be a normal suburban housewife. Ha... that would suck. I have to keep reminding myself that it is just highschool. That all the problems I have right now dont really mean much. My life is only one small dot on a huge timeline. Maybe someday my dot will mean something. Maybe someday people will talk about all of good things that I contributed to the world, and maybe someday kids will do their reports on me, and maybe someday I will be taught about in history classes. I dont know how I would get myself into the history books, but I want to. I want to mean something. Maybe thats why I miss you so much. You made me feel like I meant something. Something good. I suppose not though. ... I wrote a cool song yesterday. It makes me laugh really hard. If you couldnt tell, my latest fancy is to be a big rockstar. And I will scream and yell and play my guitar and dance on the stage, and people will clap not only because they like my songs, but also because I am their incredibily hot idol. Lol. I want that so much. I think that I was a flapper girl in my past life. Or maybe in one of my past lives. I dont know if I really believe in past lives, but sometimes it feels like reincarnation could be real. I hope so. I also think that I was an egyptian. Hehe. "There are neither beginnings or endings in the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning." And if you know what that is from I will... give you... something... maybe. I think that might be all I have to rant about right now. No wait... "Love in an elevator! Livin it up while i'm going down..." Thats really it. in the name of reincarnation...