Morning time. Wake up. My head hurt so bad. I put on clothes, and checked the drug drawer. I found the little white pills. Pain Killers, thank god. "Take one every 12 hours"... screw it. I took two. Went to school, got excused from third hour and had lunch with my dad. He got me a chili dog. It was gross. After I got back to school I threw it up... but its the thought that counts. Took two more pills. Sluffed fouth hour and went to Lee's to get oreos. Flunked the drivers ed test fifth hour. Took two more pills before going to band. Took six while at band. When I got home at I fell asleep. Had a long dream. Cant remember it. Woke up this morning. Went to school. Learned a wicked dip in social dance. School sucked. I had a very big headache. So I took six more pills. The headache went away. After school we went to visit them. Then we went to the park. I am home. Took four more of my little white drugs. I cut myself today. God I am stupid. Blood all over my hands, partly the cut, partly the bloody nose. I cant remember much of what happened the past two days. Hmm... I dont like remembering. Bring on the drugs. Brain cells must wither away. Just let me forget. I dont know why I hate me so much. But I do. Self destruction reigns supreme. Let me burn. You think you will miss me? You wont. I need a shower. He says he loves me. He says I am the "other". Is he lieing? I am with him. Yes, My boyfriend. He says he loves me, I beleive him. Hmm... love... do I beleive in it? I dont know. Bleh. I have only been really drunk once. That was the only time I drank. I was younger. Stupid. Still am. I forgot everything. I liked forgetting. I like forgetting. Sure there are good times. But the bad cancels out the good. They are equal. Constant state of nothingness. If I take so many, how long will I be asleep? Maybe I will go into a coma. Maybe then I will not have to deal with life. Or I could overdose and die. That might be like sleeping. I dont know why I even cut anymore. I could die much easier using these new things I have found. These things kill my pain. They could kill me too. Sharp things just add to the pain. I dont like pain. Therefor... pain killers. Me killers. How he feels: "I want your girlfriend to be my girlfriend." How (other) he feels: "I love her and she loves everyone." Me: "This one is for all the suckers who still beleive in love" (Reel Big Fish quotes for you) It will always be a constant triangle. No matter who I am with. I hurt people. It hurts me to hurt them. But... I do. Sharp. Skin slices. Blood seeps out. Silence. Inward cry. Pain. This is how it feels. To be hurt. This is what you are doing to them. Bleh. I need to wash clothes. I wish I could wash my life. Tuesday then? ok. I bet some people dont know what I am talking about sometimes. I am so random. There is always a hint of inspiration. Sometimes it is bold and daring, like a blast of brilliant red upon an otherwise un-painted canvas. And other times it hides humbly behind the images, and thoughts, and feelings, It has cleverly created. Inspiration roams from love to hate, crimson to emerald, salt to sugar. Everyone has inspiration one time or another. They have been inspired by something that catches your attention. It may be abrupt, like a grand flash of lightening, that sparks, and quickly becomes a roaring fire. Or it may be slowly grown, like a small seed that eventually erupts into a magnificent flower. So my thoughts conclude: Beauty...(or the lack of which). Feeds. Inspiration. Again with the random hollie. Oh well. I dont care. Well I do... Even though I say I dont. Hmm... My mom loves me. I love my mom. Yay. I know alot of kids who dont like their parents. But I really love my mom. My dad can be ok, but mostly he is just an asshole. I dont blame him, I would be an asshole if I was my child. I probobly worry him alot. Shit PTC is on tuesday. Damn. Well... lets see... I am doing in most of my classes... English:A Social dance:...B-? Math:A Drumline:A Drivers ed:F ...So I guess its not that bad... I usually have all F's... or D-'s... Maybe he will not be mad at me as much... Bleh. I want to forget that too. I keep talking. I should stop. In the name of... keeping it short...ish...