Today was the first time in a long time that I havent really felt. I was warm, I was quiet, I was calm. It was peaceful inside of me for once. It was like I was alone in the dark, and it was warm. Nothing to frighten me, nothing to worry me, only me. And not even me. I was nothing, I was dark, I was just like the silence. And I wonder, what happened to me? I feel like I am only sometimes really in my body, only sometimes aware. I feel like I pretty much have been functioning on auto-pilot, so when I do wake up I wonder where I am. I wonder why I am so comfortable in my house, and why there are so many memories connected to certain things. I sit in the dark and wonder. I can almost feel his arms around me in my sleep, I can almost feel him breathing against my neck. And sometimes it makes me cry, and other times it makes me feel so good. I wish I wouldnt have experienced something like that till I was older, so I didnt have to know the hurt when I lost it. I wish I would have been better. But right now, I feel like everything is all right, and that everything will eventually will work itself out. And I am content to sit back and watch my world build itself back up. The tower crashed, but I hope only good things come out of the rubble. I remember crying in his arms and kissing every inch of his face. I remember feeling comfortable with him. I remember the bad times and the good. And thats all I have now, the memories. My only regret is taking it all for granted. I wish I would have appreciated it more. But I guess you dont appreciate the well untill it goes dry. Just another lesson of life I guess. I havent been myself alot lately, the auto-pilot thing I guess. Running on pure emotion and nothing else. You make really stupid decisions that way. I felt so alone, so worthless, I felt like no one loved me. And then I was afraid, I nothing to cling to. Nothing to keep me sane, to keep me happy. I had nothing to turn to. And so I was an idiot. I was bitter and depressed and so so frightened. No one was watching my back, and I couldnt look forward to anything. I still feel that way. But it is better now. I still cry about it, like now. I will still laugh about it. I will still miss him. I cant change that. I will wait untill all of this fades, and then I wont cry anymore, or laugh anymore. It seems so long ago. It was a different time and I was a different person. I feel like so many people. I am so so sorry that I took it all for granted. Everything. Him, my life, my family, my friends. I treated it like it was permenant, like I deserved it, like it would stay that way and I had nothing to worry about. I am sorry I was so ignorant. I am sorry I said those things. I am sorry I did those things. I am sorry for everything. Wishing wont get me anywhere. I guess I look forward. I want the pain to be over. Please god make it done. But I know that I am just doing this to myself. Forgive me.