I think that I have pretty much fucked myself up at this point. And there is nothing I can do but wait. Dont tell me that this is my "defeatest" attitude. Dont tell me I am a coward. There really isnt anything. Just stop talking. That... is pretty much it. ... I was sitting in the hall with a few friends the other day, and a group of people I barely know walk past. I know they didnt see me because I was behind the garbage can and another friend. I heard a bit of "Yeah I know, hollie is in my history class and..." and I missed the rest of the conversation. I knew they where talking about me because one of those kids was in my history class. I hate that. I hate it when people talk about me. The next phrase of that sentance was probobly going to be "and she is such a slut." I know that is what people think about me. I wish I didnt give a damn, but I do. The more you hear about yourself the more you think it is true. And the negative things are easier to believe. I know you hate me. One of many I suppose. I think that you have the best reason to though. I love dancing. I dont feel anything but the music, and the next step. It makes me think I am beautiful. You kind of bond with everyone who is dancing with you. You share something that you dont usually find. And I am good at it. Especially the tango. Go figure. I am afraid of my parents. ... I feel helpless. But I am learning how to cope. However much I hate that word, I am coping. I do things that take up my time, that I can concentrate on. Like dancing, playing guitar, reading, and napping alot. But nighttime is the worst. When I am laying in my bed, waiting to fall asleep, I cant stop thinking. I eventually do... eventually. Sometimes I am ok. It seems like I can switch on a heartbeat. One minute I will be crying my face off and the next I am laughing so hard I cant breath. Laughing helps alot. And music. I lose myself in music. My foot is asleep. I am also starting to excersize more. I want to lose a few pounds, so sue me, everyone wants to lose a few pounds. I also have been learning rather unhealthy but useful wrestler tricks. I have a few friends who often have to suck weight, and they tell me all about it. First trick: dont eat Second trick: while you are not eating, excersize alot. Thrid trick: (bere with me, they get a little weird from here) suck those little packets you get at taco time, you know... the hot sauce ones. Not only do they have no calories, but they also give your stomache something to do while you are starving. Fourth trick: Put epsom salt in your bath, but dont stay in to long, or you could get really dehydrated. So I dont really have that many tricks... and they all sound pretty unpleasant. ...wrestlers and their weight. They are worst than real anorexics sometimes. I went to a wrestling match today. ALL DAY. I really was there, all day long. I find that wrestling is an interesting sport, not just for muscle alone. You have to use your brain to figure out what will get your opponent down. I saw a friend there that I hadnt seen in a long long time. AND, I figured out your weakness. Oh yes, I've nailed you. You see, I failed to acknowledge that you where human. Human people make mistakes, humans have desires. YOU ARE HUMAN! I know what makes you turn into something else entirely. I have the secret, and I have the key. Now I may bend you at will. Not that I will bend you at will, but I could bend you at will if I wanted to. My back hurts.