I miss- how it used to be PC the smell of Aaron's house my couches clean air Mr. Cummings 'And the Rain Came to Mayfield' (Andrew) school spirit my bathroom (mostly my bath) seeing the stars simplicity my letter jacket my guitar red beans and rice Room 107 (and all it entails) Agnes the smells of my past I was nostalgic today. I thought about all the things I love(d). There are some things here that remind me of things that used to be. People, smells, feelings. I have a friend who never stuck me as being sort of like another, lost friend of mine until I saw him one evening wearing Wranglers, cowboy boots, and a plate belt buckle. And the connection was made. When I hear certain songs I think of what they mean to me and how I felt when they were most important in my life. I thought about things I didn't even know I cared about. I miss life from two and three years ago. That's it. I want to be there again, to live through it again and do excactly what I did before. But just live it again for the joy of it. I think that's what's making me restless. My life is changing because it has to, but I didn't really want it to. __________________________ On a side note-I see Christian McGuigan everyfreakinwhere now. Three weeks ago he was the guy who looked like Pat Callahan, and now all I do is see him. Is it wrong for me to obsess over other guys? I know Aaron would disapprove, but I love him and that's a sure thing, it won't change because of Christian or Pat or anyone else. It's just fun to wake up every day and have a secret goal to run into one of my obsessions, to smile at them and say hi. That's all it is. Nothing more. And I don't really feel guilty about it, but I sometimes feel guilty about not feeling guilty-like sometimes I think I should feel guilty. Nothing will change. Aaron won't know about the boys and neither will the boys. Just me in my heart.