Word of the Day: tutelage These are great. And most of them aren't singular to the hotel industry. I am a front desk clerk and I take all blame for the ice machine not being available right outside your door. I am a front desk clerk and I am the one to blame because the ice machine is too close to your room and is too noisy. I am a front desk clerk and yes, I am the one responsible for the bad weather. As a matter of fact, I did call and order the rain. I am a front desk clerk. I enjoy having you scream obscenities into my ear over the phone. Please, don't stop. Keep screaming at the top of your lungs. I'm enjoying my hearing loss. Thank you! I am a front desk clerk for the Holiday Inn in Victoria, Texas. You're angry with me for not knowing the phone number for the Atlanta Hilton off the top of my head. Please forgive my ignorance! I am a front desk clerk and I know where all guests are going all day long and when they will return and where they ate their last meal and how they liked it! I am the front desk clerk and am responsible for the power outage. [!!!] And I can tell you the exact minute it's going to come back on. [!!!!] I am the front desk clerk who ordered the owner not to put a connecting door between your room and your Aunt Martha's. I am the front desk clerk who forced you to make your reservation for the wrong day. I am the front desk clerk who failed to read your mind about that wake up call you forgot to verbalize. I am the front desk clerk who let someone park in the space in front of your room. I am a front desk clerk and it's my fault your credit card won't go through. I am a front desk clerk and it's my fault that people are in the hall at 6:30 am leaving and closing doors while you're trying to sleep. And it's also my fault that you didn't settle down until 4 am to sleep in the first place. I have the reservation you booked six years ago even though you don't have the confirmation number and you think that it was made under a name that starts with 'X'. It's not a problem for me to give you seven connecting, non-smoking, poolside suites whith two king beds each, four rollaways and sure, let me install a wet bar. Of course I know it's my fault that we don't have a helicopter landing pad. I am a front desk clerk. I am expected to speak all languages. I have advanced degrees in accounting, public relations, marketing, business, science, civil engineering, and Swahili. The manager has entrusted me with all financial information and decisions for the the property. I can also read minds. It's totally obvious that when you booked your reservation for Friday, you really meant Saturday. Sure, I can tell you why your bill from March of last year contained a $.25 phone charge. I understand that McGuilicutty's Widget Manufacturing is a vast empire that will make or break our hotel. Yes, I'm lying to you when I say we have no rooms available. It's not a problem for me to quickly construct several more guest rooms, and this time I won't forget the helicopter landing pad. And, of course, it's my fault that everyone wanted to stay over and I should have known you were coming in, even though you had no reservations. I am a front desk clerk. I'm quite capable of checking three people in, two people out, taking five reservations, answering fifteen incoming calls and plunging the toilet in room 221 all at the same time. I am a front desk clerk and yes, it's my fault that the restaurant isn't serving dinner at 11:30 pm. Please scream at me and ask for your money back. No, I don't at all mind the smell of vodka you've been breathing on me. Of course you can have first floor because you're too drunk to make it up the stairs. I always know where to find the best vegeterian, Kosher, Mongolian barbeque restaurants. I know exactly what to see and do in this city in fifteen minutes without spending any money. I take personal blame for airline food, traffic jams, rental car flat tires, and the national economy. I realize that you meant to book your reservation here. People often mistake us with the Waldorf-Astoria. Of course I can 'fit you in' and yes, you may have the special one dollar rate because you're affiliated with the Hoboken Accounting and Bagel Club. I am a front desk clerk and I take full responsibility for not looking in each and every room before checking you into it. I am a front desk clerk and it's my fault that people go into the spa by the pool without taking a shower first and leaving the spa green and smelly and bringing their children in to pee in it. I am a front desk clerk and I take full responsibility for our rooms being full last night, and that you can't check in at 11 am when we have check in at 4 pm. I am a front desk clerk and yes, it's my fault you can't find the little earring you lost in the room you were in three days ago. And I won't ask you if your really lost it here or actually have no idea. I am a front desk clerk and I take full responsibility for your boss putting your reservation in a non-smoking room when you're a smoker. I can tell you that my general manager will be off the phone in precisely twenty-three and a half minutes. Would you like to hold? Yes, I can tell you that today it's sunny and warm. However, on your date of arrival next month, I can only tell you that we will have weather. I am a front desk clerk--I wear many hats. My favorite one is knowing exactly when your daughter [whom I never laid eyes on] walked through the lobby and I know what direction she went when she walked out the door. I am a front desk clerk and sure, I can rent you a room for twenty dollars, even though everyone else pays eighty-one. Better yet, why don't I pay for you to stay here? Go ahead and look at all of my rooms. I'll hold them all for you while everyone else waits in the lobby. I am a front desk clerk and it's my fault that your husband isn't returning your calls. Please forgive my ignorance. I failed to read your mind this morning when you took all your belongings out of your room. Housekeeping, along with myself, assumed you had checked out. Forgive my stupidity for renting your room out. I am the front desk clerk, and I'll be responsible for that expensive saddle that you decided to leave in the bed of your truck all night. I am a front desk clerk and it's my fault that you don't know how to open the doors with those 'keys'. After all, how are you supposed to know that you're supposed to insert the key with the end that has the arrows? I am a front desk clerk and it's entirely my fault that your ISP has excluded my city from their 1-800 connection lines and you have to dial long distance to connect. Hello, I'm a front desk clerk. It's my fault that the rates in this area are higher than that of other areas that you have previously stayed at. I also take full responsibility for the lodging tax being higher than wherever you're from. I'm also responsible for the rates of the Fairfield Inn, the Quality Inn, and all of the other hotels in this area. But feel free to take one of our 'complimentary' newspapers and/or coffee on your way out. And yes, I can reccomend a cheaper hotel, and I will definitely call ahead of time so that they can hold a room for you. Have a nice day! I am expected to smile, emphasize, sympathize, console, cajole, upsell, downsell, [and to know when to do which] perform, sing, dance, and fix the printer. I am a front desk clerk. I am also an operator, bellhop, houseman, guest service representative, housekeeper, sales coordinator, information desk, map, entertainment critic, restaurateur, stock broker, computer technician, ice-beaker, postman, laundry cleaner, ambassador, fax expert, human jukebox, and punching bag. And I know why room 112 isn't answering their phone.