last night SUCKED. i fell asleep at 7 o clock. i was waiting for brenda to get home and i just fell asleeeeeeeeep. it sucked ass. hopefully tonight we'll all go out and do something. ive been playing tony hawk all morning i beat like 5 more competition things. :D gotta love it. well ill write more later im just way bored. - eDit - just for the record Neil, im going to brutally murder you. thanks :) i didnt think about him since i saw him at the mall, then neil brings him up. DIE! but yeah i went to the mall earlier cause i was bored and my mom had to christmas shop some more so i was getting a new tongue ring and saw jessie & mariiia :) and i went in aero cause i havent been in there since April. ryan frick comes up to me and we were talking for a minute and hes all "alright i gotta go with my friends" and so behind him emerges Matt. oh baby. ive never seen anyone try so hard to be cool or whatever hes trying to be. he had the longest button up white shirt on ive ever seen, not buttoned, with a white shirt tucked in his gay dark jeans and a belt, with white adidas, and like wow. ive just never seen anyone try so hard. ohhh yeah, got the feeling and stuff but it was different than usual. i didnt feel completely down i was just like yeah! what a COINCIDENCE, im just happening to run into you in the store where i bought you a shirt, and the first store we ever went in together, nothing weird about that at allll.., but you get it right? it was just weird because i never see him out and especially with RYAN! only the kid i was obsessed with all of middle school. im siiiick of the "signs" and the coincidences and everything, im done with it all. i just want to move on. when i think about it in retrospective, it goes something like this: i want an artistic, loving, emo, passionate, funny, grounded, and smart guy. i want someone who can appreciate my love for dancing, and music, and even if he isnt into the same scene as me, will show some sort of interest just for me, as i will with anything hes interested in. someone i will never feel uncomfortable around, and will be my best friend. someone who doesnt have parents that are completely insane, as in wont let him go near girls and are overly religious. now if you know him like i know him, he only fits about 3, maybe 4, tops, of those categories. what makes me want him so much?! i have noo idea..but honestly, its getting to a point that when i see him i start physically hurting. my stomach hurt for the rest of the day, ill have you know. i make myself sick over him, and im not obsessed, its just im so strung out on figuring out why i dont have control of this situation. that just bugs me soo badly, i always have some control over things, but in this i DONT! ugh..im just over it. i wanna move on and try finding someone new. im too young to stress myself out over this so badly and feel sorry for myself constantly. one day when i fucking have the hottest body and im super tan and just drop dead gorgoues, and im fucking a 3 way threat, pro surfer, moderate skater & snowboarder, a dancer, and a famous author, yeah, THEN come looking for me. you metro sexual little bastard. yeah, theres my rant for the evening. me brenda and ivan saw Honey tonight. such a great movie. im so fucking inspired now. i wanna dance more than anyone knows. woo. time for mad tv and saturday night live. i need a few good laughs for what this day brought on. leave love? -----*--*-*-----*-----------------*-***-*---* im so far gone.