school definetely ruins everything. or at least makes it seem that way. today was going well, but then i dont know, staying after school for no reason always puts me in a bad fucking mood. because it validates everything i hate about people, and makes me more self aware of why i (hate) myself. plus i get some sort of adrenaline rush or some sort of chemcial reaction causing me to be nice to people i dont want to even talk to. and by the way, say what you mean and mean what you fucking say. honestly. its ridicoulous the way people carry on about others that they "hate" quote unquote, then kiss their ass to their face. HANG OUT with them, after talking a load of shit about them. what is the p o i n t ? do not say shit about someone, especially if i dont like them either, then give me weird looks when i barely look your way. its evidently because your a fucking fake jackass who needs and plays no part in my life. n o t a n y m o r e. we read "The Long Hill" in english today. its some poem by some lady and the second i read it i knew what it meant and while we explicated it in class it reminded me of how stupid i am, how fucking idiotic it is of me to start liking someone, or even befriend someone, because ya know what : they dont like me. plain and simple. i like someone : they dont "like" me. i befriend someone : they trample all over me as if i was a fucking carpet, then use me for whatever services i may be offering them, and not sexually either. whether its to use my computer because they dont have one or cant use it or something (rolling your eyes? so am i. people are pathetic) or because you want my fucking cousin who by the way: im never going to see again because hes fucking up his life and lives on the opposite end of the fucking united states, get a life. and please, dont include me. these people are examples of what Steven from RW: Las Vegas calls "toxic friends." ^^^ Fuck You. ^^^ and it pisses me off that two people that i could have a beautiful thing with, will never happen because one i have no confidence to say anything and two, when you have as much fucking emotional baggage build up as i do, it will get you nowhere. i love you.