so earlier i had to get my 10th grade physical thingy at the nurses office. i hate those things i always feel so weird with the lady behind the curtain bending me over and erotically touching the small of my back. and the other thing they do to check your ovaries that i probably dont have when she puts her fingers below your hip bone. yeah that must be violation. but yuck and she was practically IN my mouth when i stuck my tongue out and said the AHHH thing and she saw i had a tongue ring. i dont like getting thoooose. anyways, i got my blood pressure taken and the nurse said its like way higher than it should be, so she asked if i was stressed out more than usual and i was like to tell you the truth, yes. i mean we're all stressed but lately its been too much to handle and she was like getting worried actually, which worried me for the rest of the day. then i started to realize how its starting to effect my fucking health about the whole matt situation and how ive been handeling it lately. i love him so much. but i cant have my blood pressure wicked high and risk having something happening to myself because of it. i mean thats not the only reason it was high, school has been extremeley hard lately and situations with friends have been edgy and skeptical, but the thing with him has played a huge part in it. im not going to deteriate my health when he denies ever going out with me. now it just seems like such a waste of time when i look back at the past few months and how i have stayed up nights crying and letting this effect my attitude and health and what not. and of course thats just how i feel today, i know theres going to be days that im not going to deal with it in this matter but i think im going to be able to accept it more. so in order to make my blood pressure go down i ran for like 30 minutes on the treadmill and did some crunches and all cause ive been lazy about it since the summer and yeah i dont wanna be lazy about it anymore. plus it increases your endorphins (sp?) which makes you happy, and boosts your adrenaline and i need an increase in that area. and once im all buff and beautiful i wont feel so shitty about myself and about the matt situation. me and tiera were talking in english and we realized were in the exact same situation. things ended with her and jon in the same way pretty much, and he wont talk to her anymore, and she cant get over him, just like me. and the weirdest part? matt and jon are friends this year. see thats what im talking about..i need to stop analyzing shit and looking for "signs" because its not going to happen. at least anytime soon. he moved on with his life so it seems and i would die if he found out i was obsessing over him, he hates when girls do that. so im gonna move on as much as i can and maybe one day if im lucky enough, he might wake up and realize what he lost. __he calls me from the cold, just when i was low, feeling short of stable. and all that he intends, isnt on the label. he says hes ashamed, and can he take me for awhile. and can i be a friend, we'll forget the past, or maybe im not able, and i break at the bend. we're here and now, but will we ever be again, cause i have found all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade, away, again. he dreams a champagne dream, strawberry suprise pink linen and white paper, lavendar and cream, fields of butterflies, reality escapes him. he says that love is for fools that fall behind, and im somewhere inbetween. ill never really know, a killer from a savior, til i break at the bend. its too far away for me to hold, too far away..guess ill let it go__