Size 3

Listening to: Ray J- sexy can I
Feeling: hardcore

Time for an update

The past few weeks have been pretty crazy.

The guy who I thought I could trust told me I was just a rebound and he's back with his ex, Whatever. He wasn't that cold about it but that is the short story, time and time again this happens, Oh well. I'm actually over it. Were gonna stay friends and don't worry that wasn't the B factor. This was another guy who I met and for a few weeks there we got really close hanging out all the time and well I had a feeling something was up so I took a step back with my heart and good thing I did too, cause this happen. The heart wants what the heart wants I can't get mad because he has feelings for someoe else I can be mad that he didn't tell me, but he did. And said he was sorry, it's fine. I'm used to this shit by now. It's no suprise to me I ecpect it now, that's why I don't invest my heart into anything anymore, I'll still give guys chances but I don't let myself get attached, at least not for a long time.

ALSO you would all be very proud of me, for the first time ever I told the B factor exactly how I felt, the saturday before last we were texting and he was prying for info and when I wouldn't give him any he started saying all this messed up crap as usual. I'll get into more detail in my next post but for now you will get the short story since I don't have the time today. So bascially I told him that he was never affectionate with me, how he would push me away when I wanted to cuddle, never said he missed me, was never lover, treated me like a piece of meat, there was like maybe two times he ever cuddle with me and all the other times he was affectionate with me was during sex. He denyed the whole thing said I was crazy and made it all up in my mind, and then said a bunch more horrible things that again I will get into more detail in my next post, so I just ended up telling him to leave me alone that I could no longer do it anymore, always blaming myself and not standing up for myself that I was a good friend to him did everything he asked of me and then some, that he was in the wrong not me, mind you this is the FIRST time I have ever said stuff like that to me and again he reacted like an ass, he push me to the limit this time with what he said and apparently he can dish it but can't take it.

What I would really like it know is, dose he actually believe he was good to me? That all the horrible things he said and did to me never happen? Dose he actually believe he was affectionate with me? Cause if he actually dose believe it then that's just totally insane, he can't show me love even tho he says he dose care about me, he never showed it, but says he dose. I wonder if he was just saying that to defend himself cause I literally blew up on him, first time I actually stood up for myslef to him. I just can't believe how blind he is, that he might actually think he was good to me. He must know, he has to know how he was with me. I believe he needs help. but anyway we havent spoken since that day and I'm still "The crazy bitch, who makes things up and believes them" when he is the one who is making things up. Whatever. I'm glad I stood up for myself, maybe what I said will sink in and he will see for once how he treated me.

On the plus side the reason why I can't post everything I want right now is because I have plans to hang out with someone else I met, oddly enought his name is like mine. Anyway we met at the gym, he happens to work there and we always chit chatted and now have become good friends, I don't know what to think at this point but I can't wait around for the B factor forever I need to start giving more chances, This one seems like a nice guy and I can't make him suffer for other guys mistakes so I am giving him a shot, my walls are up and I will not let myself get hurt but I still need to see whats out there, hes super nice and I'm not used to that at all so I'm trying to open myself up to that, I have never been treated like a queen before I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, but this is good for me.

Also crazy workouts everyday are paying off, when I started a year ago I was a size 8/9 I went shopping for pants with my best freind Sammi on friday and now I am a size 3, she is an amazing friend, all my pants were took big so she suprised me by taking me shopping and buying me two pairs of pants and a snoopy shirt. I'm getting closer to my dream body.

PS: I love Snoopy, and older co-worker at CTS has made pins for us a few times really7 cute ones he makes by kinting, I asked if she could make a Snoopy one and she did and I love it but last week it fell off my work apron and I lost if even tho I looked everywhere I was so upset, yesterday at work she suprised me as well with a new one and a stuffed animal Snoopy if was so sweet of here, I also work as a massage therpist so I told her I was going to give her a massage which she was happy about.

Lesson is take the good with the bad, its the small things in life that can make you feel better at the saddest moments.

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