Truth be told

We all have our good and bad qualities, some more so then others. I am FAR from perfect but one of my less then good qualities is that I tend to always push people away, I only let people get so close to me before I start to push. I am aware that I am doing this but I can't help it. It's all his fault too. Ever since the B factor this is what I do to people.

I used to be able to text back and forth with friends all day long, share all aspects of my life, let people in and see what's really going on in my head, now all of that annoys the crap out of me. I just want to left alone, it's no one business but my own, No one needs to know what I'm thinking, what i'm doing or what's going on in my life. I'm not trying to keep secrets, I just don't see the point in talking about everything.

It's like I'm living on another planet and I'm all by myself. I did it to myself. The few people that I DO talk to is because I am forced too, or because I feel bad if I don't. No, I don't want to see you. No, I don't want to talk to you. I don't like texting stupid crap back a forth. I don't want to be bothered a 1000 times a day with nonsense. Don't get me wrong I love my friends and I do enjoy spending time with them, when were face to face. In person. I hate phones. I hate that I can reachable 24/7. I like human contact, I like talking and conversation. I hate people who texts me novels, I don't care. I hate people who only say things via text and not in person. Grow some balls and say it to my face.

Sometimes I feel like no one really understand me, and I'm actaully ok with that. I have been in a battle with myslef since I can remember. A fight aganist depression, anxiety, addiction and love. I have lost many battels in love. I have been left cold, alone and bleeding to death on the battelfied, but each time I have bandaged myself up and made it to safety. I have kept my mind open but my heart closed and again I'm fighting to open it. All the times before it opened on it own I never had to force it, so this to me is a sign. A sign that this is not right, These things happen naturally, and in time it will happen again. I am in no rush. I'm still finding and working on myself. Truth is, that if I'm not sure who I am then how can I be with someone? How can I expect to have a relationship and have that person understand me when I don't even understand myself.

As for all my other battles, my depression is a battle that for now I am the victor. Some days the war is waging but I can beat it, the gym is my battlefield, its the warzone that I can always win in. This is one of my other battlefileds, writng is my heart spilling out, it's the escape of the pain I hold on too, it's an release of my anxiety. I can beat these demons but they will never been completely dead, so once I beat them, I gear up and wait for the next battle. Pervention is the best weapon. Addiction, I beat that one too but that is a deamon that is the most dangarous. That one is sneaky, it attacks frist with depression then with anxiety, then it starts taking over my thoughts. I had my wake-up call, that is a deamon that won't be defeating me anymore. As powerful and as sneaky as it may be I will defeat it.

Just like cancer I'm in remission, remission from all my demons, and like I said pervention is the best way, I can stop them before they attack. I'm doing what I need to do to stop this from happening to me again. I am not depressed, I do not have GAD, I am not a druggie. I am not any of those things, and I will never be. I am better then that. Those are lables I do not want associated with myself.

I am not a monster, but I am no angel. I have done bad things and I have done good things. I don't judge others and all I ask is for people to not judge me. but that is something that is inevitable. I will be judge and I will labeled. But I'm trying to change that. It will take time to prove myself but I am willing to take the time to do that. I must prove it to myself before I can prove it to anyone else. I have a safety net now, so if I fall I won't drop into the bottomless pit. All the times before I was fighting alone, a one woman army. It's nice to now I have soldiers by my side willing to fight for me.

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