This is the death of beauty,

The doves have died,

The lovers have lied

Those are some of the lyrics in the song I was listening too, I am always searching for songs that will fit my situation, right now that's one of them, theres actually a bunch of songs I have been listening to over and over again, anything to help me, anything to make me feel better. To be honest I haven't felt anything, and that is one of my biggest fears, when I feel nothing. I havent been this depressed in a long time, the last time I was this upset, I was 15 and I really hated life, I look back now and I would rather be where I was then, then where I am now. I feel so alone. I have reallu lost everything now. My Mom, My Sister, My Dad (pretty much my whole family hates me) I have lost my friends, I barely talk to anyone, and now I have lost GD. (gratifying direction) Again for those who have read my other posts know what I mean by GD. Anyway GD and I had a very close and special bond and friendship. We understood one another, have a lot in common, and I threw it all away. We would tell eachother everything, I trusted him with my life, everything, I would talk to him about everything. And now he wont even answer a single text, I'm starting to think he blocked me. Or is just ingoring me. I have sent him a few texts but now I'm done. I can't send anymore. He dosen't care Elle, Never had and never will. I can cry all I want, it dosen't matter. I'm not a pussy, I never cry and that's all I have done. It's all I can do. At night when I'm trying to sleep my brain gets the better of me and I just cry and I cry and I cry no one is around so I don't care, its just me alone in this house, I will always be alone, but I syill get up every morning and go about my day just fine, I hide my pain, talking about it with friends is pointless, I have no real friends anyway, no one I can trust. I'm so stupid. I have learned from my mistakes, All I can do now is be strong, and try to make a better tomorrow.

I feel like no matter what I do I will always be used, stepped in and discarded. Once people get what they wabt from me they toss me aside like yesterdays paper. I'm trying to become a better person, a stronger person, a selfless person, a good person. I don't fall in love easily, but when I do fall I fall hard, I have only been in love three times, I have had boyfreinds who I didn't love but liked, to be honest Ty was the only boyfriend I had that I actaully loved. Don't get me wrong I still had hard feelings for my other past boyfriends but I didn't fall in love with them. Mostly because the relationship didn't last long enough. I was with Ty for 5 years and it was not till the 2nd year into the relationship where I said "I love you". He's the only boyfriend I have said that too, I have told friends that I love them in a non-relationship way. I never said it in words to GD but I have told him I love him in texts, in a card, but never heard it back. I didn't expect too.

I can't help but wonder if he misses me, if he ever thinks of me, if I even meant anything to him, I was replaced, I'm not special, what was I thinking. I can't deal with this much longer, I'm almost happy I am getting sick again. Maybe I wont be this lucky this time.