So usually I would not be caught dead singing or even listening to a country song/music, but this one song is the one thing that's keeping me together at the moment, I don't know what to do anymore. My life is falling apart a little more each day. I feel like I have totally lost myself. Who am I? What did I do? Where am I going? What the freak and I doing? I don't even see the point of getting out of bed each day. I'm not happy and nothing I do is making me feel any better. I'm just so hurt. That's the best word I can use to describe me right now. HURT.

And now again, it's happenig again, I don't know what I do wrong, I don't know why guys don't like me. I guess GD was right, I open myself up to people just to have then pour acid on my open wounds. I let them know me, the real me, behind this tough girl, I am weak, you all know that. I am not as strong as I pretend to be. I cry, I cry a lot. I never used too. I can't believe how easily I can be replaced, how little of importance I really am, how little people care. Nothing just nothing, all I ever wanted is the one thing I'll never have.

My Birthday is less then a week away, I don't want anything money can buy. All I want is to see GD. To spend time with him, Heck I would be happy just to get a call or a text from him. I'll be amazed if he even wishes me Happy Birthday. I deserve it tho. I don't deserve his friendship or anyones for that matter. I need to be alone, I can't be trusted. I'm not a good person. I am trying to fix everything with everyone, to beocome the person I know I can be, the person I want to be. Its so hard. Currently I just want to be alone, lock away in soultiude, where I belong. I don't want/can't be around people. I cause pain, I destory. I'm a poison, toxic. I'm sorry, sorry is not good enough. Sorry means nothing. I'm changing myself.

I get a little better day by day, but my life is still falling apart. I have no joy, I fake a smile. There are times where I honestly have to fight tears from falling and it happens at random. Like at work Thursday night, out of no where I just had a thought, I was thinking about how I could not wait to get out of work, then it hit me, why did it matter when I go out, I was not doing anything but going home, taking a shower and then playing on my Xbox, then sleep. Only to get up tomrrow and do the same thing all over again. It hit me, I have nothing, I have no one in my life, well the people I do have don't even want me they just tolarate me, I'm there fall back plan, when no one else is around or busy then they want to hang out with me. No one gets happy to see me, no one gets exicited to see me, Here I again just being a stupid girl. just a silly stupid girl.

It's just got to get better, please Lord, save my soul. Save me from myself. This can't be normal, feeling like this all the time, only at the gym/working out do I find some peace mind. I will get my dream body, I may not be able to control or fix anything else in my life, but working out/eating is something I have 100% control over. I can at least do that.

I miss him and its ok to miss him. Maybe one day I will have my turn to be happy.

I wish I was with him right now, all I want is to be in his arms.