I don't even know anymore,
I am so confused and I have no clue why. I should be happy, I should be a lot of things that for some reason I am not. I have said it once and I'll say it again being a girl is horrible. I swear our brains are always working way to hard and make us think about crazy things, honestly just crazy.
Off topic but just a thought in the back of my head, when someone tells you that you are their best friend it is a wonderful complement, but be aware they might not even mean it. I feel like I am not this person's best friend. I am just someone that dose them favors and helps them out. My kindess has yet again gotten me in trouble and messed up things for me. It's a shame because I really do enjoy Mr. Swayze's friendship, and yes that's a nickname. Swayze and I seems to think a lot a like, and we can have conversations and understand one a anothers train of thought. That's a rare thing, I have not met many people who I have that conection with. For the reccord I am not in love with him or anything we just have a really good friendship or so I think we do.
Anyway, Yes, I have met somoene, my little ghost goblin, yes another nickname. Weird? maybe, you don't need to get it, I get it. He's wonderful, so sweet so kind, fun to be around and good to me. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I am like bird like the song I only fly away, I'm trying to stick around this time and not run, maybe I'm scared, maybe I don't know. I don't really know. My heart and head are in a battle, and I don't know who is going to win. For now, one step at a time. I like taking things slow. Rush me and I will run. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to be hurt. One step at a time, I don't want to mess things up and I don't want to fly away.
The cancer that was in my life has gone away and sadly I still think about him. Mentally he destroyed me, like cancer he ate away at me, slowly taking over me, got deep insdie my heart and killed it from the inside out. I will never be the same. I loved that boy more then anything in the world and I still think about him but that's all it will ever be now, just a thought a memory of a love I thought I had.
He was a magician, everything was just an illusion, and I fell for it. I must say it was a very believable trick, he had me beliving he cared, that things would work out. like a yoyo he would pull me in then toss me away. push and pull, push and pull. Making me more and more crazy with each toss. I have never felt a pain like that before in my whole life, it was terrifying, literally there was times when I wanted to die. He made me feel so awful at times and everything was always my fault. I made him treat me so bad, it my fault. NO. No more tricks, I can see his slight of hand now, the illusion is over. Smoke and mirriors. No more. Sadly he dosen't even know the truth, he believes his own tricks hopefully one day he will come out of his own illusion and stop looking into the fun house mirror.