I am scared and nervous. And I realize I can't do it alone, but I have to. I can't be myself. I have lost that part of me. And it scares me. For as long as I can remember I have let my sister and my best friend control and make decisions in my life. And I realize that I have to do things for myself or I will never learn.. I need to learn from my mistakes.. But I have gotten so used to being on a "leash".. Cause when I am on this "leash" i feel safe.. that no one will hurt me.. But when I am on that same "leash" I feel like I am not in control.. That I am some puppet that has no control.. That I have to act a certain way and do certain things and talk in a certain way.. And now that I am trying to get off this "leash" i am scared.. I am scared to show my true self.. Cause what if my friends don't like the real me? what if no one likes the real me? Should I just stay in my confront zone and be controlled. or risk everything and show everyone the real me? Is it better living under protection? or better living under your own rules? I have become addicted to the world my sister and my friends have made for me... But this world it not reality.. There not gonna always be there to help and guide me.. Even though i dont need their guidance I know right from wrong... I know what I want and what I dont want... I can make my own choices.. But I have become adapted to their help.. and when I am under their control like I said I feel safe. I am at the point where I am having tubule trusting myself without them.. I don't know anymore about anything. I don't know who to trust ... or who to like... I just don't know.. I cant rely on myself.... And the worst part is I let them get under my skin... And I just take it... Like dry-swallowing a huge pill.. I take.... I let them walk all over me... I let them.... I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know how this happen.. everything was fine for a while.. Than I started feeling like this.. I don't even know if they even like me that much.. I sometimes feel as though they don't even want me around.. That their just hanging out with me because they have nothing better to do.. I dont know.. I try so hard to be a good friend.. I try to do everything I can for them.. But ... it seems like their not trying for me.. I don't know ... even with my sister and my friend controlling me. People still dont really like me.. and when I do try to show my real self.. People still dont like me.. they just tolerate me.. the "friends" I do have I only have because they were eaither my sister or amanda's friend first.. No one to call my own it seems.. I don't know.. I just somtimes wish.. that I was someone els.. the person who got the phone call.. the person who everyone liked.. the person who gets noticed.. the person who.. actually was invited.. and not a tag along... not the 3 wheel... not the wall flower.. I want to be the person whos not like me... And im not just try to complain.. I try so fucking hard.. but still nothing happens.. what am i doing wrong? is it me? or everyone els? it has to be me.. What has happen to me? I don't fucking know.. Time makes everything better.. So to just let the clock tick is gonna be the best way..