July 10, 2004 6:03 am I write a story and pretend that I'm ok writing about a girl who cuts that has nothing to do with me. I need to write something more real. Its all fake but as I know the truth can not get out. I really want to cut everytime I even think about how much this fucking story lacks everything. First the story lacks what I really think about cutting. If it was about me the character would be licking up blood and doing it more often than just the few times I had her cutting herself. I want to go back when no one knew about it and I was still releasing everything I had inside of my head and now I'm just too bored to cut no matter how much I want. I still can't bring myself to do it ever. It bugs me now that nothing will make me now that I'd have to hide it from the people who witnessed me saying I would never. And the people who blame me instead of the problem which no one will ever know. Now I feel like I have to do it to stay sane. I hate when people just don't understand and I'm left to suffer. I want to get better but I still want to cut. I'm between what I want and what I need. Something has to look up or on the bright side for me. It can't be like this for my whole life. Can it? People just need to forget anything was wrong with me. I want to go back to the way things were. Before when I could cut apart my skin and hide it. No one would have ever known. People don't understand I'm sensative about everything. I wanted to cut so bad. But I decide or choose to go to bed before I get caught cutting. I feel nervous when I have to hide. Although I'm still hiding the word "free" on my hip. It scares me but I try to wear thing I usually did before when I wasn't cutting but still stuff to hide the places covered in pink scars. In this case grayish pink since it does have ink in it. 8:07 pm I'm not ok. If it wasn't for Sharon being over here I would have cut already. She's my best friend. I don't want to disappoint her or let one of my parents find the cuts. I want to go back to school. B/c the busy schedule I'm going to have I'll be able to cut. I want have time to spend with anyone else. I have day school and a night school class in psychology. Then I'll get home about 8 or so then I'll do my homework, cut in the shower and then go to bed.--