May 2 2004 8:54 pm I told Jon I didn't like him taking cocaine but I also told him that I didn't care if he did it I just didn't want to hear about it. I did want to date him but then when he told me that I lost all care for him. All trust and everything I liked about him. I can't date or even go out with someone like that. I hate drugs, yea I've popped pills and I did smoke weed and drink. I can't do those things anymore b/c I choose not to. I've quit but I wasn't doing cocaine. I just imagine Jeff saying the same thing to my mom "I've quit, I'll quit everything completely". I'm sorry I just don't trust that at all. I want to so bad but I can't. And I can't take him back just b/c he thinks if he quits I'll just run back to him. All trust was broken before I knew anything about the cocaine. But now things are different. The fact that he doesn't respect my wishes of me being a lesbian. I don't care if he finds it his fought and wants to make it right. Its not his fought just something that will make me happy now. He did make me happy at one time. I stopped cutting not b/c of him but he helped me. He helped me see that I didn't need to do it. Then when he broke up with me I did it once more. No one notices and I didn't tell anyone. The first time anyone made me feel like that. Like I was nothing and just a joke. I don't want to be hurt again and I don't want to be with a guy. I think right now what I need Jon could never give me. I want happiness and yea there was a time Jon made me happy but now he doesn't. Talking with him as friends, yea I'm happy about that but in a relationship I don't think I could be happy with him. He pretends that since he quit everything is ok and its not. I'm not trusting him and its not just b/c its him I wouldn't trust anyone. I hate cocaine just like I hate fighters. I hate anger. I hate everything he says he was. He isn't going to change my mind. He can just beg and plead. I can't deal with it.--